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January 05
January 31, 2005
If anyone has any old Brian Nemeth columns (the handouts he’d sell for $1), The Toilet Paper is trying to collect them in hopes of eventually putting together a book that will benefit Brian and his many years of hard work and writing.
The TP will gladly pay for photocopying costs and credit you.
Please email me at editor@toiletpaperonline.com if you have anything you’d be willing to let us photocopy.
Thanks, Noel
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January 28, 2005
Here’s an outtake preview of the Feb. Church Kicker. Furious underage ninjas kick New Life Church.
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January 27, 2005
read it
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January 22, 2005
My Grandma is in the hospital having something like her 5th knee surgery in so many months. After her last knee surgery only 3 weeks ago, the stupid doctor at her assisted living center fucked up her antibiotic titration and now her knee is really infected and they’re having to open it up again to try to clean it out. The danger is that the low titration may have made her resistant to some of the most powerful antibiotics on the market. Please email her your well wishes at Grandma@toiletpaperonline.com. I know she’d appreciate it! Thanks, Noel
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January 21, 2005
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January 21, 2005
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January 21, 2005
New Militant Gay Army Prepares for Jihad Against Marriage!
The Pink Panthers, a newly-formed gay militia led by SpongeBob Squarepants, announced today that they will wage “all-out war against marriage, even if it is an abstract concept.”
“We pretty much plan on blowing up marriage, I guess … If we can just figure out where the hell they’re hiding it!” said Squarepants, a long-time member of The Leather Underground, who noted that he shall heretofore be called SpongeBob LeatherChaps.
James Dobson, leader of Focus on the Family, vowed to preemptively marry all the citizens of Bikini Bottom (which was devastated by the recent tsunami) in an attempt to bring marriage to the middle of the ocean. Insurgent homosexuals and “marriage haters” aligned with the Pink Panthers are expected to try to disrupt the marriage process, but, said Dobson, “weddings will go on as scheduled.”
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January 21, 2005
Brian Nemeth requested that the TP change the name of “Brian Nemeth for Presisident” to the more dynamic: “Eyewitness Flava”. His column title will change in the upcoming February 7 issue.
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January 20, 2005
New features coming: Sculpture Puncher and I Confess.
Submit now.
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January 19, 2005
James Dobson, once just a powerful-yet-shadowy operative for the xtian right and an advocate for so-called family values, has now emerged on the national stage as the political beast that many always knew he would eventually become. Since the election, the media can’t stop fawning over the “moral values” voters, and Colorado Springs is undeniably the Mordor of our times. Check out these recent articles at npr and US News:
Colorado Springs a Mecca for Evangelical Christians
The Dobson way
focusaction.org
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