Al Gore, Tippi Hedron and the wallows of doom

Al Gore’s new film "…’something about the earth’…" is causing quite a hubbub in the entertainment industry. Not since Hitchcock’s "…birds?…" has a film been made that deals so effectively with the question:

"Why does God hate us?"

So, I ask, why does god hate us so much inside?

Posted by: Craig Richardson in Uncategorized | Permalink Comments

June 18, 2006

Thanks Satan! How we found Batman the dog on 666, the official story

Many of you may remember when we lost Batman the dog was lost almost two months ago. Here’s the official account of his disappearance and eventual recovery on Satan’s holiday.

6/6/06: The sun was shining, the birds were singing, Iran seemed amenable to a diplomatic solution to the nuclear problem, and I found my lost dog, Batman, who we had more or less presumed dead or adopted after five weeks of agonizing tips, fruitless search parties, fliers and stake-outs (and steak-outs).

The thing about Batman the dog is that he’s as misanthropic and skittish as the Sasquatch. And his disappearance was the perfect storm of lost dogitude. Here’s what happened:

Posted by: darksandal in Uncategorized | Permalink Comments

June 16, 2006

“[Rick Santorum] Looks Gayer in That Tie Than I Look in My Boyfriend’s Ass.”

Thanks so much to Dan Savage for that phrase, from this post on Slog. I’ll be using it all weekend.

Posted by: Aaron Retka in Uncategorized | Permalink 1 Comment

June 5, 2006

Squirrel goes out with a bang, inconveniences many

From the Centre Daily Times:

About 60 guests at America’s Best Inn were evacuated Sunday morning
after a squirrel electrocuted itself on a nearby utility pole, causing
a power surge and then power outage in the building.

Squirrel leads to hotel evacuation

Posted by: thepfef in Squirrel of the Week! | Permalink Comments

June 2, 2006

Mystery Item on eBay

I stumbled across this accidentally when searching Google image for "squirrel sex." Don’t ask. It seems that this was an item that was previously sold on eBay. Any theories as to what it might be? Or where I can get one?

EXTRA CREDIT: Replace "girl" with "squirrel" in the previous post. Actually, no. Don’t do that.

Posted by: thepfef in Squirrel of the Week! | Permalink 1 Comment

June 1, 2006

Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that her wheelchair catches on fire?

The following is an AIM exchange between Noel, me, and our internet ho Danielle concerning the ancient koan, “Have you ever fucked a girl so hard … ?” Please do contribute.

ATRetka (10:12:59 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard, she throws up her Happy Meal?
daniellevicek (10:19:34 AM): h4v3 y0u 3v4r fuck3d 4 g!r1 50 h4rd 5h3 h4x y0ur ch0de?
ATRetka (10:20:07 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard the milk in her lactating breasts turns into cheese?
daniellevicek (10:26:46 AM): have you ever fucked a girl so hard she gets shaken baby syndrome and her four year old big brother starts crying uncontrollably and then their mom sues you for emotional distress?
ATRetka (10:27:29 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that she’s like flopping around and stuff and for a minute it looks like she’s alive again?
daniellevicek (10:37:26 AM): have you ever fucked a girl so hard she turns into a beautiful woman that you love and then you get married and then stop having sex and you never fuck a girl so hard again?
ATRetka (10:39:44 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that you’re like, “Whoa, you looked a lot hotter in the bar. I don’t think I can go through this,” and she’s like, “You pig!” and then you’re like, “Chill out, bitch. I guess I’ll let myself out,” and then when you do she cries herself to sleep?
ATRetka (10:41:19 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that her colostomy bag explodes?
daniellevicek (10:43:38 AM): have you ever fucked a girl so hard that you totally gave her a root canal?
daniellevicek (10:45:33 AM): have you ever fucked a girl so hard that it was with a shovel and not your penis?
ATRetka (10:46:08 AM): And in the skull, rather than the vagina?
daniellevicek (10:47:10 AM): YES!
ATRetka (10:47:55 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that she leaks Tabasco from her nipples?
ATRetka (10:49:30 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that she swallows her dentures?
daniellevicek (10:52:56 AM): have you ever fucked a girl so hard you broke her titanium replacement hip?
ATRetka (10:53:22 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that her spinobifida spontaneously heals?
daniellevicek (11:03:35 AM): no but zane has!
daniellevicek (11:07:34 AM): ‘have you ever fucked a girl so hard you dried out all her sharpies?
ATRetka (11:08:19 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard she flatlines, and you have to ditch her body in a Taco Bell dumpster and skip town?
daniellevicek (11:09:26 AM): have you ever fucked a girl so hard her insides turned into jr woppers with cheese and then you just ate her and then barfed into her asshole cuz it was the only thing that wasn.t a jr whopper with cheese?
ATRetka (11:09:39 AM): Ew.
ATRetka (11:09:50 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that you fuck the extra chromosomes right out of her?
daniellevicek (11:11:10 AM): have you ever fucked a girl so hard donald rumsfeld shook your hand?
darksandal (10:42:07 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that she had to file for disability … because of how disabled she was ‘n’ stuff.
ATRetka (10:43:18 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that she leaks semen from her stoma?
darksandal (10:43:55 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that you break her heart, not literally, but metaphorically, because she knew she’d never get fucked that hard again.
ATRetka (10:44:08 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard the milk in her lactating breasts turns into cheese?
darksandal (10:44:20 AM): or butter
ATRetka (10:45:53 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that the handlebars break off her Bigwheel?
ATRetka (10:49:15 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that your slapping bodies set off her Clapper?
darksandal (10:51:59 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that you got her pregnant and gave her an abortion all in the same session?
darksandal (10:52:16 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that she grew a beard?
ATRetka (10:52:39 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that your dad pounds on your door and is like, “Hey! What’s going on in there?” and you’re like, “I’m making beignets, Dad,” and he’s like, “I don’t believe a goddamn word you’re saying! Open this door right this minute!” and you’re like, “Damn, I guess I should’ve fucked you ten percent less hard”?
darksandal (10:53:41 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that hippies showed up and started a drum circle?
ATRetka (10:53:56 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that you fuck her conjoined twin right off her?
ATRetka (10:55:33 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that it seemed like a dream, and in retrospect, it was, because no one could ever fuck a girl that hard?
ATRetka (10:56:25 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that the smell of your colliding bodies gets all the neighborhood dogs barking because they think you’re making ham?
ATRetka (11:00:00 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard your quilt gets caught in her braces?
darksandal (11:00:26 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that dolphins cried?
ATRetka (11:03:02 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that you’re facing east and you reverse the spin of the earth and you end up fucking her INTO THE PAST?
darksandal (2:00:26 PM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that you catheterized your penis on her cervix and/or gave her a hysterectomy?
ATRetka (11:03:54 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that she opens a chain of discount tire stores?
darksandal (11:04:37 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that her myspace account disappears?
ATRetka (11:05:59 AM): Have you ever fucked a girl so hard that her pores start leaking hominy?