July 07
Dear Xtreme,
I really want to get a tattoo, but I’m not sure what’s cool these days. Chinese characters? Something tribal? Please help, I really need to impress the chicks.
—Want Ink
Deer Want Ink,
Shit, my ink is wicked. I find that we get tattoos for the same reason we do all kinds of shit like brush our teeth, clip our nose hair, inline skate… We do it for the Tang. With that in mind, make sure the ink you get will cultivate fields of broads. You’re gonna have that shit forever so each tattoo should bed at least 40 to 50 broads.
The key is to get something original. So tribals and chink shit is out of the question. Unless you’re black or oriental, duh! Me, I’m white so I got a white man’s tattoo—the Tasmanian Devil. I can hear you already, “But Xtremeandy, you said get something original. I’ve seen a million Tasmanian Devil tattoos”. Maybe you have, but have you seen him on a pair of inline skates doing a fakey-grindy over a dumpster? Well you have if you’ve seen my left ass cheek.
My second tattoo is hella deep. I drink a lot of Goldschlager/Slurpee cocktails. It gets you stupid drunk and the brain freeze makes you do dumb shit. Let’s just say I’ve run through more broads than James Bond. Some of which are of questionable character. I’ve gotten the crabs a few times in my life. It’s embarassing. I have to shoplift this shit called “Rid” from King Soopers to get rid of those itchy fuckers. They’re really gross. You can see their legs moving and shit. Anyway, they come with theses little tiny combs to comb out the dead crabs after you poison them. I’ve done this shit so many times I got a tattoo of a that little comb on the outer line of my pubic hair. Above that, in large, wicked gothic letters i got “NEVER AGAIN” tatooed. Guess what, since that tattoo I haven’t been infested.
I also have “Never Again” tattooed over my ass crack but that the story behind that one is none of your business, fag.
My last tat is a crucifix on my dick. Have you ever seen the Exorcist? You know the scene I’m talking about right? I saw that shit and thought to myself, “You know, when I nail broads it’s the same damn thing.” I call my dick the Exorcist now, too. Cuz when I’m up in ya’, I’m bangin’ the demons right outta you. It’s just an added bonus you get when I inevitably bang your girlfriend. I send her back to you a little less crazy. You’re welcome.
One Hate,
~XA
Dear Xtreme,
This totally only happened to me once, but last time I was having sex I couldn’t get hard. It was really embarrassing, even though the girl was really nice about it. How can I prevent this? And what do you say to someone in that sitch? I don’t want this to happen again.
—No More Soft Cock
Dear No More Soft Cock,
I can tell you’re a prick. You used the word “sitch.” Do you realize how gay that makes you sound? The girl was really nice to you because she didn’t have the heart to tell you the real reason why you couldn’t get hard. You’re queer as a Radiohead fan. She had the wrong equipment. It’s just that simple. Don’t get all bummed and shit. I know of at least one cool gay dude. Rob Halford. I ain’t down with all that queer stuff but Rob Halford is a faggot genius. Think about it—if you’re gonna dig boys why not front a legendary metal band? Every night you sing to a sea of confused, pre-pubescent, long haired, waifish boys who think you’re a god. They are also idiots who can be talkied into anything. There is nothing that smacks of “Darwin’s Waiting Room” more than a mosh pit. It’s fuckin hilarious every time. A bunch of pricks running around in a circle, slamming into each other. It’s usually better than the show itself. My favorite is when dudes who mosh try to make it sound so honorable. “Dude, when someone falls down you’re supposed to pick ‘em up and keep going!” Shut the fuck up! Just don’t run into each other in the first place and you wont have to pick anyone up. They act like it’s some kind of art form with rules and chivalry and shit. Here’s what it really is: A bunch of half wits, proudly displaying their sexual repression by ritually dancing around in a circle of virginal unity. How’s that for dropping science? A lot of you haters dont know how fucking smart I really am. Youll learn.
Shit, I’ve gone way off topic! All i was trying to say is that you couldnt get hard cuz you’re a fag.
One Hate,
~XA
Posted by: Aaron Retka in Ask Xtreme | Permalink
Comments
2 Responses to “Ask Xtreme: This week’s edition.”
Leave a Reply
It’s good to see you back in the game. I thought you had gotten all Sissy McPanties on us!
this is the funniest shit I’ve seen here in a few weeks. good stuff!