June 08
Rugby/rugburn
So I’m flying from here to San Diego. I was on vacation, I came out for my aunt’s wedding, so I was by myself. I flew from Colorado out to San Diego and then back home. This hot South African guy who played rugby sat behind me. He was this super tall, big, like, gorgeous guy, and had a hot accent which is totally what made me turn around and look at him. Then I started talking to him and he was all flirty and cute, and the flight was fairly empty, so we met in the bathroom. And then after that, we exchanged numbers, and we got off the plane, and that was it. The next day we went to dinner, had a few glasses of champagne, a few strawberries, had sex till dawn. I had to go to work, so he got a limo, and sent me home in it. And I never talked to him much really after that.
Roppongi crossing
Okay. So. When I was 23 or 24, I was in the Navy in Tokyo. I took a vacation of a week and a half and got a room up in Tokyo in Roppongi, which is the nightlife district. So I got a hotel room for a couple days and had my girlfriend come see me. And I had it timed out where I had like three other girls come see me as well in like three hour increments. So I had one girl, my girlfriend, come see me first, and the next girl come see me, and then the next. And then a girl I just met the night before came to see me. She was the best sex ever. She was craaazy. I didn’t even plan it, it just worked out that way. I saw the the girl, the first one, because she had to go to work and it happened, and then the next one, and then … The last girl that came around, I guess she wanted me to back home with her, and her friend was waiting at a bar to come hang out with us, and I didn’t go and she was all pissed off. So I could’ve ended the four girls in one night with a threesome. I wasn’t too worn out, I was young, virile, good to go, makin’ it happen. It was a great night, it was a great day. The last one just walked in and got me, I didn’t have to warm her up or nothin’, she just threw me down and she was holding the bed rail and shaking me, you know what I mean?
Play balls!
In Las Vegas, at the Luxor, the gay hangout, there was a hot tub for 20 people. There’s a hot, hot one and a cold plunge. And I’m sitting next to my partner, and he says, “How are you doing?” And he has this huge grin on his face. Turns out the guy sitting next to him is playing footsie with his hoo-hah. And he says, “How are you, sweetheart?” And I say, “What are we doing, sweetheart?” And he says, “Do you want to get out of here, sweetheart?” “Just a minute, sweetheart.” That was fun, that way.
The benefits of a global economy
I went to a bar in the Philippines, and I didn’t know, it was my first time there, and all the girls have numbers on their chest, and I’m all, “What the hell is this shit?” I was just 21, and I’m all, “What is going on here?” And all you have to do is call out one. Or two or three, whatever you want to do, and they’re yours. And in the Philippines, your dollar, it’s like $20 here. You have so much money in the Philippines, you can’t spend it all. You can do whatever you want to do So you have $500 dollars, you’re fuckin’, you’re a rich man. Just for three days, so you can walk into a bar, choose this hot chick over here. The worst part, because the Philippines is ravaged by that volcano eruption, so all these peoples’ houses were ashes, so they’re living in huts and shit. So you walk into these peoples’ houses and they got candles and everything, but it’s just hot bitches everywhere. It’s crazy—you’re walking on volcanic ash and shit. The going rate, they ask you what you want in the morning. So either they like you a lot and they ask you for anything, like, they want to be your girlfriend when you come back next time. Or they gonna ask you for some money, something to pay their bills or get their family fed, which is like, no more than $50 bucks. And $50, for them, it’s a lot of money. You know what I mean? I was an E-2, which means that I made like $1000 a month back in the day.
That’s pretty cool, I guess
There’s this girl, and we’re doing it doggy-style. And she takes my penis and pulls it out and puts it in her ass, and says, “Wow. I never done that before.” That’s it. That’s all I can say.
The permissive type
I remember a girl that I dated, and she was the type of girl, you could fuck her in the ass all the time and you could then come in her mouth. She was a really nice girl, but it’s not the type of girl you want to take home to Mom. Not so much. I don’t know if any girl who will let you put it in her butt and then in her mouth is a keeper for some reason. I don’t think it ever works out.
So hot right now
It didn’t happen to me, it happened to a close friend of mine. She’s at a point of her life where she really wanted to have a baby. She wasn’t in a committed relationship, and she had no prospects. She was financially ready, and she wanted to get pregnant. She finally decided, out of all of the options, you know, going to the sperm bank or whatever, that she was going to have one of her friends sleep with her, like knock her up, basically. So she’s like, who could I get that’s like gonna be cool and not around all the time, because I don’t want any hassle or drama. So she found this guy, and they were high school best friends, and he’s apparently super hot and successful, which apparently is key when you want to have an illegitimate child. So she told him about it, told him the situation, and he agreed, surprisingly, he was like, “Okay, I’ll come over.” So she had this evening planned, which is just bizarre in itself, like how do you plan an evening around that? Awkward. So she’s all, “I’ll make you dinner, and then we’re gonna do it. And it’ll be good.” So she made him all this Mexican food, like fajitas, and all this stuff. So after dinner they’re on the couch, and they’re making out or whatever and eventually she starts to give him a hand job, and he’s like, “Hot, oh it’s hot! That’s hot!” And she’s like, “Yeah, baby, yeah, it’s so hot.” And he’s all, “Hot on me! Hot on me! Hot on me!” And he keeps saying that over and over, and she like, “Yeah, you are so into it.” And he goes, “No, it’s burning! It’s totally burning!” And she’s like “Oh, my God!” And he’s like, “My dick is burning! It’s burning!” So she gets up and goes to the refrigerator and gets this gallon of milk, and comes over to the couch and dumps this gallon of milk onto his penis. And he’s like, “Oh, yeah, that’s good, that’s it, that’s good.” Apparently what happened was that she chopped up all these peppers and she hadn’t washed them off her hands. Needless to say, he’s not the father of her child. Can you imagine? It’s so embarrassing.
Spunker punch
My friend, she has this boyfriend and they constantly fight, all the time. And I guess that’s what they love. They love fighting. So they’re in this on-again, off-again whatever, and they’ve both decided this is the last straw; they’ve fought too much. And then they always had really hot breakup sex, which is why they’re still together, I think. So they broke up for the last time, and they’re yelling and screaming, and there’s throwing of plates and kicking of dogs and stuff. And so they’re having this like really crazy, angry sex, and he’s like yelling at her, so he pulled out and he came on her stomach, and she wiped it with her hand, and slapped him in the face and said, “I hope you’re fuckin’ happy!” and got up and left! And they’re still together. They both must just be masochistic or something.
Shrimp job!
My first time in Guam, I went to my first massage parlor. That was a good time. ‘Cause I thought it was just a massage. But it’s not a massage at a massage parlor in Guam. Dirty suckin’ toes and lickin’ ass things going on there. You know. Navy sex trade stories. It’s all the same thing.
Remember that one time when we had sex in a big pile of mud?
So I’m visiting some family out of state for a holiday. We have these parties at an uncle’s big house. At the time, my cousin was nineteen or twenty and very hot. And no, I didn’t bang her. But she had some friends. A couple dumb girls and shirtless hick boys. But one girl was sexy and smart. She was my cousin’s best friend, and beloved of the family. I don’t remember her name now. Mind you, I’m twenty-seven at the time, so for propriety’s sake, I can’t express too much interest, but nonetheless I pursue.
There were probably a dozen people sleeping in the house that night. Guest bedrooms on the second floor open directly onto a balcony overlooking the living room, where she and I are sleeping on opposite couches. Long story short, I’m fucking her on her couch till we fall off, then banging her from behind over the coffee table. She starts making noise, so I clamp my hand firmly over her mouth, steadying myself with my elbow while I’m grabbing every bit of flesh I can find with my other hand. I’m terrified that a relative will walk out at any moment to use the bathroom and get a bird’s eye view of the action.
Next night I go back to her place. She has this cute little apartment. She’s very dirty. We fuck all over the place, then sleep for a while, then get up to eat Cheerios. Then fuck some more. She likes toys. I find myself using a big dildo on her, then deep-throated while she uses it on herself. In the end, she likes it all over her face and tits. And she keeps sucking, eating up what she can get into her mouth. I thought maybe we should get married.
Turns out she’s seventeen. Parents are nowhere to be found. Had a huge coke problem a year or so back, found herself in a bad place with bad people doing really bad shit to her. Got through a program and was doing well. Got her GED and just started college. I found all this out the next day. Sorta felt ill. This was at least statutory. Probably depraved, certainly unprincipled. I was deathly afraid someone would find out. Of course my cousin knew. I still get snide remarks from her.
I visited again some months later. We only fucked once because of logistics; she had a boyfriend at the time, so we had to do it in the park to get away from him. He wasn’t too bright. We would fuck for a while against a tree, then move somewhere else to avoid people, and get to fucking again. She finally sucked me off and didn’t lose a drop.
A few months later she and my cousin visited Colorado. I took them on a little road trip, and ended up at Idaho Springs during a snowstorm. Showed up right when it really started to hit hard, so we took a room at the spring. Pretty cool place if you’ve never been there. Weird little semi-private pools in rooms carved out of the cliffside. There was hardly anyone there due to the inclement weather, so we fucked in a pool at the spring. It was very nearly the ideal sexual venue. A raised, tiled pool about six feet long and five wide with submerged bench seats allowed for just about every position imaginable with minimal effort. The mud bath, however, was the kicker. Everyone, once in their life, should have mad sex in a mud bath. It’s like having baby oil sex time a thousand. It’s everything that a juvenile fantasy about female mud-wrestling should be, and every time I see chicks doing it, I think of this girl. There’s this pool about eight feet on a side and two or three feet deep, and full of some kinda healthy, rejuvenating, hot mud. With electrolytes, I guess. So this girl’s dirty to begin with, and she starts sucking my cock the second we set foot in the pool.
There are complications when having sex in a mud bath, that one doesn’t encounter in an ordinary pool, so we have to be careful; the stuff is a little gritty, and it obviously gets everywhere. But I’ve got her on this curb that surrounds the pool, ankles around my head, and we start throwing the shit all over each other, slipping around on the tile, rubbing each other all over with muddy body parts, eventually just falling into the pool completely. We screw with wild abandon, covered in rejuvenating mud, all the while making the most obscene slurping and gurgling noises, slipping around and trying not to drown in the shit. Of the few times we’ve fucked, for once I’m not afraid of getting caught. But this time my cousin walks in, and she just stands there. She doesn’t look shocked. Initially, we’re startled. Sort of convulsing, awkwardly looking up at her, then at each other, wondering if we should stop. But we hadn’t really broken our rhythm, so we just keep on going, sort of ignoring her. Almost showing off. And the mud keeps splattering around.
We were all really high at the time, so I’m not sure how long she watched, but it probably wasn’t more than a minute or two. Anyway, I pretty much forgot about her and only remembered when I heard the door close as she left. I guess she finally felt a little too uncomfortable watching her cousin get off. I eventually made a donation for the next mud bathers and we ended up napping a bit in this thick, slippery hot mess before showering and going back to the room.
Next day we wake up together and immediately start fucking. The room had two double beds, my cousin in the other one. None of us seemed to find the situation out of the ordinary, even when we realized my cousin was watching again. Eventually we get up, check out of the hotel, have some breakfast, and get back on the highway. A couple hours later they dropped me off at my place and drove out of state as though they had accomplished their mission. My cousin occasionally gives me updates about the girl, but that was the last time I saw her. Whatever her name was. And I can’t tell you any more.
She’s a Cylon!
All right, so I’m 19 or 20, and I’m living with my parents for the summer, since the dorms are closed. And lo and behold, my ex-boyfriend is in town, and he was my first boyfriend ever, like, totally broke my heart. So when I was with him, I was a virgin, but now I’m not, and I had already had some thoughts about what might happen. Anyway, we have this party in my parents’ basement, and everyone else leaves, and it’s just the two of us, and it’s like two seconds before we’re fucking like mad. But the bed squeaks. Like, a lot. And it bangs against the wall. And I’m terrified my parents are going to come downstairs. So we move to the floor, and he gets on top and stays there. It’s good, and he’s holding his hand over my mouth, and we finish without being discovered. Except that then I get up, and where I was lying on my back is this red streak. The carpet burn from the motion had fucking rubbed off all of the skin over my vertebrae. So the next day, just so happens, I have a doctor’s appointment for something, I don’t remember what. And sure the fuck enough, the doctor sees it, and he’s all alarmed, like, “Wow, you lost a lot of skin there! That’s going to scar! What happened? So I’m all, “I slipped down the carpeted stairs…” He gave me a look and didn’t pursue it, and then I had to tell the same story to my parents because I ended up with this huge spine-length bandage that I had to explain. God. I still have the fucking scars.
Do you like your fellatio?”
I was gettin’ done and these fuckin’ women-dudes picked me up and they tried to get me. Fuckin’ Philippino trannies. And I had to jump out the car, I was all, “Oh shit!” and someone picked me up and took me back to the ship. They wanted to get me, they were all, “Do you like your fellatio?” No, no, I do not! And I jumped out of the car, a moving car, and I had like road rash and everything. And someone picked me up on their moped and took me back to the ship.
That’s why they call it cuckoldry
So when I was 25, dating this girl who was 23 at the time. She was married to somebody who was in his late 40s. They were kind of separated, but still living together. But not quite divorced. I was quite good friends with him, and would have dinner with both him and her, and we’d hang out. And play chess, and talk, and work on cars and stuff together. Then we’d say okay, good night, and then I’d go back to their bed and sleep with his wife. He’d be right next to her in the bed, he just was there. It eventually became a jealousy issue, but yeah.
Close shave (heh, heh)
So I’m fucking this guy, and I’m 20 and he’s 43. He’s coming off of a divorce, and he’s got kids at home, and a super jealous ex-wife. But I’m convinced that he’s in love with me, and I’m like, this is it. So we get home one night and the teenage kids are in the house, but they’re occupied doing something, so we’re like, all right, we’re going to fuck in the bathroom. So we go to the bathroom, he bends me over the sink, he comes, and two seconds later there’s a knock on the door. Like, literally, he comes and two seconds later there’s a knock on the door. And we’re like, “Fuck, fuck! What are we going to do?” Because there’s only one exit, and it’s obviously one of the kids wanting to use the bathroom. So what the fuck do we do? So I got in the shower, and I close the curtain, and I hold my breath, which is hard, because I’ve just had some activity, shall we say! Right?! So I’m like sitting there, like holding my breath, and the boy knocks on the door, and he comes in, and he pees, all the while I’m hiding. I swear to God, all he had to do was peek, but he didn’t he just peed and left, so I was safe.
I think I saw that in Ruthless People
So I’m at a house party, and I met this girl from California like four weeks before, and I started dating her or whatever. So we’re real fucked up and we end up going to the bathroom, and she starts blowing me while I’m talking to her friend in California named Ashley on the phone, while my friend Jeremy is knocking on the door, screaming, “I know what you guys are doing in the bathroom, get the fuck out!” And I was all like, “Uh….” So I’m getting blown, talking to the chick’s friend, finally the friend is like, “What is she doing?” And I’m all, “She’s blowing me right now.” And she’s like “Oh.” And I’m all, “I’m gonna let you go.” So she finished and then we left.
Smile time
So I’m in the Navy, I’m 21, 22, and we go to the Philippines, and there’s this legendary game called Smiles. And it’s all they talk about in the Navy, Smiles. So we get to this place, and there’s this big round fucking table, and a table cloth down to the floor, and eight of us around the table. And we all pull our pants down around our ankles, and we sit down around this table. And there’s a girl underneath the table, sucking someone’s dick. And the point of the game is not to smile when you’re getting your dick sucked. Seriously, you know what, because you’re getting your dick sucked, how could you not smile? I was like, fuck that shit, I lose! How can you not smile? The point is, if you lose, you have to buy shots for the whole table. But in the Philippines, it’s so cheap, it’s like fucking 75 cents for a beer, so I’m like, I got this, I can do this. So we played Smiles forever, and there’s some dirty little hooker sucking dicks under the table. And that’s the shit right there. It’s called Smiles.
Gangsta booth
So I was working at this place, my boss took me out. My boss is gay, but he’s cool. He took me out, bought me all these drinks, puts them on his credit card. He gets me fucking hammered because he knows I love Jäger. So we’re getting hammered, we’re hanging out in the Ritz. This girl comes up to me, and tells me—this is her pickup line—”You look just like my ex-fiance!” So then I start talking to her, we end up making out, we fall off our chairs, the next thing I know, we’re sitting at the gangsta booth at the Ritz. And I’m taking shots of Jäger, and she’s like, putting her hand in my pants, trying to jerk me off, so I was like, here, and I just kinda pushed her head down. So I’m getting head in the booth at the Ritz. Packed house, Thursday night, couldn’t fucking move, Elbo Room open, everything open.
Rocks off
So I was at Eden, drunk, Saturday night down in the downstairs by the bar. And I was looking over and making flirty contact with this girl across the bar who was laying in one of those bed chairs with some old dude. Her and I kept making eye contact. I stood up to go to the bathroom, and as I was walking over there, I was met by the girl on the couch. She was Russian. She pulled me into the bathroom and fucked my brains out. We both left the bathroom, and she went back and laid back down with the old dude. I saw her two days later at the bar. I made some weird comment to her, and as I walked away, she threw a rocks glass at the back of my head. I never saw her again.
Dear Mom, I totally just had sex
I went home to visit my parents to my hometown and was there with a group of my friends. We went out to eat at one of the good little Mexican restaurants in the city. While I was there, I kept hitting on the young 19-year-old waitress. She kept blowing me off. I didn’t take no for an answer, and kept on chasing her. The friends that I was with told me that this girl was not interested in me at all and that I should give up. I persisted, and eventually, by the end of the meal, had her phone number. That evening I invited her and her friends over to my parents’ house for some drinks. Her being under the age of 20, it sounded really cool to her. She came over and got loaded. We end up having sex in my parents’ theater room. As we finish, she rolls over and looks at me and then pukes all over my face. I start doing the laundry at 4:30 in the morning so my parents don’t find out. My mother is an early riser and woke up at 6:00. She caught me in my boxers washing sheets. I quickly ran back downstairs to hide. By 10:00 when both my parents and all my friends had awoken, I had realized there was no easy way to get this girl out of my house. So I walked up my stairs to the kitchen where my friends and parents were standing. I said, “Yes, I have somebody here. And now I have to take her home.” And I left.
Intersex love song
I was dating a girl. We met at a bar. She was really, really nice. We were dating for about three and a half weeks. We had taken it very slow, because she said she wanted to, and I was fine with it. After about three weeks of not being able to get past first base, I started to get a little, you know, antsy. So we had a talk, and she told me she’d never been good at the whole sex thing, it’d never been one of her strong points. She said there was stuff about her that I might not like. I assured her I thought she was beautiful and that we’d take as much time as she’d need. After about four weeks, we ended up watching a movie, had a couple glasses of wine, started getting a little frisky. Seemed like she was ready to move forward in the relationship. So as we were making out, I put my hand down her pants. I felt something down there! It wasn’t a dick, but I didn’t know what it was. So I sort of cupped it and realized that there was more to her vagina than could be expected …. So I freaked out, realizing that I was in bed with a hermaphrodite, feigned a headache, rolled over, and went to bed. The next morning, I went on a business trip, told my friend what had happened. He told me to be honest and tell her that it was bothersome or to just get used to sucking dick. I never saw her again.
The Great 37-Block Sex-Sprint__
There was a girl back in college I had a crush on for quite some time. We were good friends, we always hung out, were part of the same group of friends. Finally one night, her and I were drinking at the bar and ended up going back to her place. It’s really a big deal, like, shit, this is a girl I really really like, this is awesome. And we start fooling around and we end up in her bedroom. And I realize as we’re taking off our clothes that I don’t have a condom on me. I’m all, shit shit shit shit shit, and I ask her if she has any, and she doesn’t. And then I remember they’re on the nightstand back at my house. And she said, “Eh, it’s okay, we’ll do this another time then.” Because we were both very responsible in our sexual endeavors. I decided that this was my one and only chance to have sex with this girl. So I told her to hold on, jumped in my car, and drove 37 blocks in like two minutes. Luckily it was a straight shot down to my house. I kick open the front door, scare the crap out of both of my roommates, go running into the back screaming “Where’s my condom, where’s my condom?” And then I realize that I had used it two nights earlier with another girl. Feeling dejected, I come out of my bedroom with a puppy dog look on my face. My roommate says, “Mary, huh?” I say “Yep.” He said, “No condom?” I said, “Nope.” And like a magician, he pulled it out from behind my ear. I thanked him, drove 37 blocks north, and had to wake her up in order to finish what we’d started.
Lights out tonight, trouble in the heartland
San Francisco, two years ago, I met these two guys. And my husband said, “Go have fun!” And I did. The Badlands, it’s a bar in San Fran. The bathroom faces the dance floor, and there’s no stalls, everyone can see in. So you’re in there using the bathroom, and there’s six stalls on each side, video screens on the dance floor, and everyone’s having sex in the bathroom. It’s fun. It’s like, awkward, that’s the only bathroom for boys and girls. It’s really voyeuristic.
Pots and panties
I was in a really quick relationship with this girl. She was a bit of a floozy. I’d heard about her quite a bit through my other friends. My favorite thing to do with her was to fuck with her, to stop mid-intercourse and go do dishes and vacuum, leaving her there splayed. This one time, I’d been teasing her all day, rubbing her in her pants in the grocery store, at dinner, like that. Got her home and mid-sex decided I wanted to start my own pots and pans band. So I left her on the couch, pulled out all the pots and pans in the kitchen and started banging them loudly until she left. When she asked me why I was stopping, I told her I was bored. We’re still friends.
Dear Penthouse Forum
My wife and I met another couple on a swingers website. The girls invited us into the bedroom to watch—every boy’s fantasy. They had been warming each other up for a while and they were eager to continue. They French-kissed a few times with plenty of tongue on show and quickly returned to a tight 69. It was hard to believe that my gal was face deep in sweet pussy. Her tongue was licking furiously at the first clit she had ever tasted and then she slipped a finger up the other gals ass—amazing. I could hear her breathing quickening and it wasn’t too long until the gal came. They were still quivering and panting when they asked us boys to join in.
Off came our clothes and onto the bed we leapt. There is something about tasting pussy on your woman’s mouth that forever burns itself into your memory. I kissed my way down her body sucking hard on her nipples as she likes and made my own way between her legs. It takes a certain technique to get my woman off and her gal pal still had some learning to do so she was more than ready for a release after all the time they had been in bed alone. I was more than happy to oblige her and gave her several reliefs. And that’s when it happened. When my lady came, it pushed the right buttons on her friend and even though her man was not directly stimulating her, she came too and she SQUIRTED. Yes, it is true; females can ejaculate, I have seen it with my own eyes. I smacked my women on the ass and the sound made the gal squirt again. Smack … squirt … smack … squirt … I could have continued all night but she would have needed IV fluids after a while.
I slid off the edge of the bed and pulled my lady’s ass with me. She was laying on her back with her feet resting over my shoulders as I greedily licked and sucked on her deliciousness. Her girl straddled her face so that as I ate I could look up and see tongue on pussy. This only fed my fire and I went to town leaving no part out; I had my tongue so far in, I was licking her g-spot. I could sense the “big one” coming and continued to apply tongue to her clit with speed and pressure. As soon as, “Oh, God” had left her mouth, her girlfriend came in beautiful resonance, filling my gal’s mouth with a gush of sweet honey. I could hear her sputtering a bit as she choked on the volume but she managed to gulp it down, spilling only a bit down the side of her face.
The night continued with the same intensity for quite a while longer, but that’s another story. I certainly will never forget that night!
What about bob?
I was on a retreat with a group I was involved with, and I went to get away from the crowd, went to sleep on the couch, because all this snoring was going on. And I woke up, I was a super heavy sleeper, I thought I was having a dream, and I actually woke up and someone was bobbing my knob. And to this day, I don’t know who it was. The organization had 100-plus members, and it was, that was just anonymous, clean, like, okay! It was pleasant, and disturbing, but I allowed it to completely play out. I told my husband about it. Would you have stopped? Pitch black, that was four years ago, and I still don’t know.
That kid!
There was this one time when I was still married, we were visiting her parents, and we ended up going at it in the upstairs bathroom. Her 9-year-old brother was knocking at the door, “What are you doing in there?” I did a girl once on her front porch, waiting for my dad to come pick me up when I was 18. In full view of the neighbors’ house. They were gay so it didn’t matter. No, my dad didn’t catch us, but every time we heard a car we were startled. Her parents were in the front room watching TV. It was always odd with that girl. Her brother kinda caught us in the woods sometime by her house, and starting shooting a BB gun at us randomly.
What they want
I got busted in on once by this guy when I lived in Cape Cod. I didn’t realize he’d been trying to get with this little slut—that was his term for her—the entire night, and he was kind of irritated, so he came in and pulled the covers off of us and everything. Then he sits down, and later, the next thing he says, “What did I do wrong? I did her hard and fast, and I thought that’s what they wanted!” Wow. You’re like this far away from being a virgin. Wow. That’s exactly the problem.
All my sexes live in …
Did it on the side of the road in Texas, side of a rural highway, about 10 feet away from the road with nothing screening us but cotton. With the kids asleep in the car.
Her Majesty’s secret serviced
So my brother-in-law and I, we had a funeral to go to. So we’re all dressed up, to the hilt, three-piece suits, trench coats. It’s around Thanksgiving time. And we got complemented on so well, how we were dressed. So we decided, hey, let’s go out the next night, wearing the same thing. So we all get dressed up to the hilt again, dressed to the nines, I swear. We’re down at 15C, and we’re having to share a table with a gentleman who’s sitting behind us. And we’re just sitting there, we keep resting our drinks on the table behind us because there’s nowhere else to sit. And these two beautiful women walk in, I swear, they are beautiful, they’re getting hit on left and right as the walk into the bar. But they approach us. And we’re sitting there, just all dapper as anything, hands crossed in front of us, without a care in the world. And they come up to us, and they ask, “What are you guys, Secret Service?” And of course we say, “No, it’s British Secret Service.” [At this point, speaker starts implementing a British accent until the end of the story.] And they buy into the whole thing for about ten, 15 minutes, and we’re like fuck, we can’t lead them on any longer. “No, we’re just two guys who are tired of looking like everybody else in Colorado Springs.” So they’re sorta asking us, “Where’s a good place to go dance?” where’s a good place to do whatever? So we’re just sitting there talking, and we say, okay, instead of us telling you, let’s just show you. So we led them down from 15C over to the V Bar, and we introduced them to everyone. And then we took them down to the Ritz. And at this time we forgot their names. So after they’ve already been carded to get in the door, we have the bartender, a friend of ours, card them again and then make sure he reads out their names nice and clear for us. So we found out their names once again. So we end up back at the Red Martini, and my brother-in-law is sitting there, and we’re like, what do we do now? So he’s like, “I gotta fuckin’ piss,” so he wanders off to the loo. And I’m sitting next to these two women. And they start sidling up next to me, and they’re like, “Can you handle both of us?” And I’m like, “Fuckin’, well, yeah, but what’s my brother gonna do, hold the camera?” So they say, “No, he’s more than welcome to join in.” Great. So we all pile into my brother’s Stealth, and we head up to the Broadmoor, he’s got a condo up there. So we head up to his condo. And we’re sitting there. I take one in one room, he takes one into the other room, we’re sitting there, we’re doing our thing. And all of the sudden, he barges in, as I’m fucking, mid-sentence if you will. He throws me a fuckin’ jimmy, a condom. He says, “Be safe, you kids.” So we keep going at it, we keep going at it, and then we decide, why don’t we go see what they’re doing? So the two of us get up and we meander into the other room where the two of them where at. The two girls laid next to each other, and they just start going at it together. So my brother and I, fuckin’ cock-strong, fuckin’ saluting the American flag at this point, because these are some American girls, and we want to get used to it, we fuckin’ stand back, fuckin’ put our feet shoulder width apart, fuckin’ hands on our hips. And again, just sittin fuckin’ prim for the cockin, right? And we both look at each other, we give a little knuckle sign, and—now the girls start doing, now we find out, they’re synchronized swimmers from the OTC. So they start doing their swimming routine in bed, naked. And we’re like, oh yeah. So we look back at each other, without saying one word, we both drop to one knee, and synchronize muff dive on synchronized swimmers. Needless to say, we were welcome to America very well. The following night, the story got around of what exactly transpired once we got them to my brother’s place. And well, needless to say, every bar we walked into, a standing ovation was given to us.
Sunday schooled
So I’m with my ex-ex-fiancee from a while back, high school sweetheart thing, we go to my stepsisters’ wedding up in Ohio, at a full-on Lutheran church. Well, we kinda got bored during the whole pre-proceedings, proceedings, everything, managed to find our way up into, I don’t know, a Sunday school room. So we had our little fun. Apparently, several people kind of knew. When we came back down, several of them were giving us the evil eye. I was never invited to a family function on that side of the family again.
Best. Duet. Ever.
I used to bounce at a club. It happened to be my birthday. My girlfriend came to bring me cake. We went off, we did our little thing, and I bounce for the rest of the night. But then, her sister comes up. And her sister looks a little bit better than her. And, yeah, like a Beyoncé to a, say, an Alicia Keys. Because both of them’s kinda fine. Next thing you know, we get to talkin’ or whatever, and I guess the sister is having problems with her boyfriend. It was my birthday, and I didn’t wanna get too bummed out, so I said, after work, you can come chill with me. So the next thing you know, we go hit it off in the same positions that I had hit it off with the girlfriend earlier.
Taken care
The night my wife went to visit her sister in California, she told all her gay friends to take care of me. So she said, “Make sure you take good care of him.” So they did. We went to the local gay bar in Pueblo, and every time I said the word “jiggers” the entire bar took a drink, because I was the straight guy. And that’s when I realized, I wasn’t the straight guy. And my wife came back from California, and asks, “Did you guys take care of him? And they said, “Um, yeah, we took care of him.”
Define funny”
Finding out that your significant other has played with the same people you just played with, and they’re telling you stories, but your significant other says he doesn’t play. That’s funny.
Executive privilege
I was at work, it was 1:00 in the afternoon, lunchtime. I was hungry, so I called my boyfriend, and he said, “I’ll bring you something to eat.” He had stopped by and gotten me something from Wendy’s. Came into the office, he closed the door, and we sat in my office. I’m the vice president of the company I work for, and he came into the office, we’d been dating maybe three weeks, four weeks, so it was nice. And he said, “How would you feel if I took you on your desk?” And I was like, “Oh, my God, it’s the middle of the afternoon! You can’t do that!” So, he came over, and I was sitting in my chair, and started kissing me and caressing me, and of course I was nervous—it’s the middle of the afternoon, all my staff is there, and I’m like, “Oh, my God, I can’t believe you’re doing this.” But it was so erotic, the risk was worth everything, it was so erotic. I said, “Please make sure my office door is locked,” and he said no. So I didn’t know if it was locked or not, okay? So he takes off my shirt, he starts kissing my chest, starts rubbing me, and of course, immediately, I’m excited and erect and ready to go. I had never been the bottom before, ever, so this was the first time for me. And you know how you see in the movies where they just clear the desk with their arm? So he just wipes the desk clear. And I’m like, “What are you doing?” and he picks me up out of the chair, and he puts me on the desk, and he leans over me, and I’m laying on my back on the desk, and he’s kissing me, and he’s sucking on my neck, and he starts taking my pants off, and shoes, and I’m laying on my desk in nothing but my underwear. And I’m like, “Oh, my God, we’ve got to stop doing this.” And he says, “Just go with it, just go with it.” And we’re being quiet. He had brought with him some lube because he had planned this whole thing, so I was so excited. He had planned all of this, this was one of his fantasies that he wanted to fuck the executive of some company, and I’m the vice president of this company, so for him this was like totally it. And I have a huge desk, so I’m like, going with it, and he’s kissing me, and I’m like, “Okay, I’ve never been the bottom before! I’ve never had penis in me!” I’m like, “Oh, my God!” And he’s like, “I’m going to fuck you. I’m going to fuck you right here on your desk, the very first time you ever take it, you’re going to take it on your desk.” I ask, “Do you have the lube with you?” And he says, “Oh, yeah, baby, I have the lube, I have everything prepared, don’t you worry about it.” And this guy, at the time, I was 34 and he was 24, and so he’s hot, tall, long hair, 6’1”, beautiful lips, teeth, just this gorgeous guy. So he takes his shirt off, I’m kissing him, he’s kissing me, he pulls the lube out of his bag that he was carrying with him, gets all lubed up, lubes me up, we’re naked. He says, “All I want you to do when I put it in is just kiss me the whole time, just focus on nothing but me kissing you.” So the whole time I’m kissing him and he’s penetrating and penetrating and penetrating. Next thing I know, we’re just hardcore fucking, on my desk, in the middle of the afternoon. It was incredible. I had mine, he had his, pulled away, cleaned, up, and it was like one of the hottest sex experiences I’ve ever had in my entire life.
Bad sects
After Ted Haggard came out, I decided that the man that I was with at the time, who was a prominent pastor in Denver, also needed to be outed. Through a weird set of circumstances, his son-in-law’s parents lived behind me and my ex-wife. So I decided I needed to make our relationship public, I was coming out. I was having sex with this pastor in Denver, who was like, second tier to Ted Haggard. But anyway. I talked to the elders of his church. They didn’t believe me. Ultimately, they did, because they confronted him, and then he came out with a story, but he never came out, he’s back with his wife. It was a weird set of coincidences that his family lived behind me. They were making connections, I was getting a divorce, I was coming out, they started making the connections. And I was a pastor, I have my masters in theology, grew up here in the Springs.
You don’t tell her no
I was in Nashville, Second Avenue, where all the bars are. The Batman building, the Gaylord Center, everything. At the time, I was engaged, and we head down to see what Nashville’s all about, we go to Tennessee. My fiancee and I, somehow, along the way, I don’t exactly know how it started, we decide to have sex in a car. We come up to a four way stop, it’s like, maybe three in the afternoon, a four-way stop, I pull up, she’s on my lap, the whole thing’s going on, and nobody would go! It was like this big standoff. It was funnier then, because she’s like leaned over my shoulder, I’m looking at everyone else, and they’re all pointing, making it very obvious that we’re having sex in the car. And I wouldn’t go, so finally I was like, “I’m going, then,” and I’m going, I drive ahead, and two of the cars that we were in our standoff with were behind us the whole time. We drove around Nashville for an hour, with these cars following us and watching. We get to the hotel, we park in the parking lot, and they’re parked with us to see what the ending is. So we get out and start heading to the hotel room. I’m still pretty much dressed, I pull my pants up, you know, do the deal, she gets out just wearing underwear and a top, carrying her pants and her shoes in either hand, and we head to the hotel room. And it was just one of those things, weird happenstance, three in the afternoon, and she’s all, “Let’s have sex.” The whole excitement, broad daylight. I swear we stayed at that four-way stop for at least 90 seconds and nobody moved. It was fun. It carried over into the hotel room, of course. She was Puerto-Rican Irish. She had a fiery streak in her, man. You don’t tell her no. Or maybe, you tell her once, but that’s all.
Ring! Yum!
There was a retreat for this organization, and we were roommates. So we got a room. So he paid for the room. It used to be a Catholic school and we got the principal’s office. It was an office and a bedroom and a shower. And everyone hated us because we got that room. And they were all, “Why are the cutest guys in [the organization] rooming together?!” Figure it out! They both have husbands! So every morning at 7:00 after we did our conjugal visit… We had the only private shower. Eighty people, and one private shower. We had a very nice room, and everybody hated us. We had plenty to drink. We went there and they asked for a private engagement for the Harvest Festival for the whole city. And they gave us five tickets each for the booths at the festival. And there were three wine booths, so that’s five glasses of wine each, and they make it right there. So we all have wine, and it’s phenomenal, so fucking good. So we go to dinner, this fabulous dinner, and on every table there’s three glasses of wine, in addition to the five we already had. So after the conjugal visit, at the Catholic school, we had this little button in our room. It rang the doorbell that wakes the entire dorm up. So I push the button, Ring! Ring! Ring! And everyone’s all, “What the fuck, what’s this!” Now, mind you, I had just joined the organization. I had just met this guy, and him and his partner had asked us to go to dinner, and I ended up joining the organization. We had separate beds, and I came into the room, and he was looking absolutely delicious just laying there, and he said, “Everything okay?” And I said yes, and he said, “I’m going to sleep naked tonight.” And I’m all, “This is such a come-on!” He took it all off. Yum! Yum! Yum! Couldn’t help but get involved, took all my clothes off, started hugging and kissing. Unfortunately for me, I was too drunk to get it up, but he wasn’t, so I played the bottom boy, which I don’t normally do. But he was fantastic! Anyway, we ended up in my bed, and he fucked me like a champ. I did come. Loved every second of it, and nobody knows but he and I. It was completely erotic.
So not a sex story
So a friend of mine is a volunteer firefighter out in Falcon, and I wanted to find out more about what they did, so I rode along as a volunteer guy. So someone was coming down 94, and this guy crossed the road and had a head on collision with a semi truck. So the ambulance and fire trucks roll in, and the guy is dead already, but they take those scissors, flip him over, and cut his clothes off. And this huge black anal plug comes popping out of his ass. So he’d been like, sitting there, in his car, with this huge anal plug inside his jeans. And it was amazing to see these stoic firefighters, these stony-faced firefighters—they fuckin’ lost it.
Cunnilungula
This friend of mine went out with this girl, he wanted to hang out with her. They’re up in Denver. He’s drunk off his ass, and he hooks up with her. And she’s on the rag. He wasn’t paying attention to it—he didn’t even notice he was so drunk. So then he goes down on her, and someone walks in on him and turns on the light, and it looks like he just killed somebody, he’s got blood fuckin’ all over his face.
What reams are made of
So a friend and I had this contest. We were both seeing these two girls we worked with. The contest was to see who could have anal first. So we each took two strategies. We took them home, and we were in separate rooms, and I’m all taking the sensitive route, “Oh, I’ve never done this, and I’m embarrassed to ask, but I really want to try anal.” And she was like, “Yeah, sure! No problem!” And meanwhile my buddy is in the next room all pouring Captain Morgan on this girl’s belly, and shit, and he turns her around and he’s fucking her from behind. Then he just puts his thumb in there as he’s doing her from behind. She seemed to like it, so he goes for it, but when he pulls out to go in there, she lets out the loudest queef ever. Meanwhile, I’m pounding on the wall and calling him on my cell and screamin, “I won, I won!” I was young then.
Family moment
One morning, last fall-ish, my partner and I were making love, like early early, 4:00 in the morning. I was bottom, he was top. We were cuddling, we were done, orgasm was over, he was still in me, and we’re cuddling. We’re both the same size, same shape, same everything, so we’re like melded, like how it should be. So we have French doors in the bedroom, and they open, and our son walks into the room and says, “Oh, good! You guys are wrestling! Oh, it’s a sandwich!” And he jumps on my back, and says, “Where’s the pickle? It’s a sandwich!” And I go, “I’ve got the mayonnaise!” And he knew no different. It was a parenting moment. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, whatever—you have moments like that. We played it off like it was nothing, it was one of those family moments.
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