Outdoors strokes for indoors folks

Here’s some crap you can do

What follows is our list, abbreviated as it is, of cool outdoorsy activities for all skill and income levels since—let’s face it—most outdoor jockery is linked to attendant gear-nerdiness. In other words, you totally don’t appreciate the sport unless you’re willing to spend the mortgage on a pair of futuristic-looking shoes. We’ve broken these down into categories of ease and expense. Now put down the paper and go outside.

SISSY STUFF
Activities for the exceedingly pale. You know HTML, have Slashdot bookmarked and might carry a suede pouch filled with dice (the “nerd scrotum”) on your belt. The biggest risk for these cheap, easy activities is a mild risk of sunburn.

Go craw-fishing. Monument Valley Park is home to a duck pond whose muddiness, slow-moving water and abundance of fowl poop makes for prime conditions in which to catch crayfish. All you need is a length of twine, some greasy bacon, a colander or net and a bit of patience. A warning: if you manage to land a crawdad, be sure to pick it up by the thorax—those things will pinch you but good.

Take the alley walk. Downtown and the Westside are home to numerous alleys between thoroughfares both major and minor, and it’s here where the historic detritus of Colorado Springs is. There are carriage houses and old stables and crumbling awesome buildings dating back to early Little London days. There are also paranoid citizens afraid that you, the innocent alley-walker, are trying to rob them. Our suggestion is to do this during the daytime.

Shuffle some board. I have yet to see a person playing shuffleboard at the courts located on the north end of Acacia Park, adjacent to the police sub-station, but I’m told that people do actually avail themselves of this puzzling urban fixture. Sadly, it’s too late now, the courts having closed in mid-August until next year—they reopen at the beginning of June—but the cost is only 25 cents a game for the shuffle- and bargain-minded.

TRUE INDOORSMAN
These activities might cause you, the pasty smoker or heavy drinker or otherwise Morlock-ish, to break a sweat. Don’t worry, though, dude—you’ve still got your cred.

Hide and seek. Our city is rife with parks and open spaces. Why not use those after dark for a big game of hide and seek? Establish rules early and give prizes for last-caught, and be ready to run when the cops or park service show up. Suggested spots: Bonforte Park, on Wahsatch across from the Bon Safeway; America the Beautiful Park; playground of Manitou Elementary; and the western end of the CC campus.

Dog park it. Men’s Health recently deemed Colorado Springs the best city in America in which to own a dog, and it’s apparent; we’ve got more vets per capita, more sunshine, more open space—and more dog parks (Men’s Health erroneously listed only four. We’ve got six). Even if you don’t own a dog, dog parks are the happiest places on earth, overflowing with cavorting, tongue-lolling, wagging joy. I dare you to scowl. We like Bear Creek’s dog park, which is the largest and most enjoyable.

Frisbee golf. Yeah, yeah, aficionados will insist that it’s called “disc golf,” but let’s face it, no one who has ever played this sport has been not-stoned. It’s a timeless depiction of man’s struggle to throw a frisbee a ways, then walk a ways, then smoke a little bud, then throw and walk again. There are courses at Cottonwood Creek and Widefield parks, and one—I think, and probably not authorized—at CC.

PARTLY JOCKY WITH A CHANCE OF JOCK
You might have to buy a new pair of shoes, or other specialized stuff, for these. But it’s cool, because you quit smoking a while ago and have that extra cash on hand. There’s a certainty of sweat here.

Run, goddammit! Sure, running is perhaps the purest form of exercise, but it can also be less grueling and actually sort of fun here, where we’ve got the use of about 300 miles of trail systems to take advantage of. For the casual runner, try jogging the length of Shook’s Run, about four miles of decent path parallel and just east of downtown. There’s also the Jack Quinn’s Running Club, a big, non-competitive group run that includes hundreds of runners who meet at the bar every Tuesday at 6 p.m. I know lots of people who attend, and they’re all cool. Tell ‘em we sent you.

Slackline. I didn’t know this was a sport until, passing Colorado College one day, I wondered if the school had added an accredited Acrobatic Arts program. Slacklining is, in short, tightrope-walking—except that the line isn’t taut. You’re basically walking a rope suspended between trees, at anywhere from a few inches to ten feet off the ground. I don’t really get this one, but I imagine it takes some skill.

Get on your bikes and ride. Ditto the length and diversity of our city’s trail system here, which you do not need a fixie, a fancy-ass one-forked mountain bike or a Tron suit to enjoy. Casual rides abound in town, and a lot of them are safe, scenic and fun. We like the path from downtown to the Westside, which begins at America the Beautiful and will, someday, go all the way to Manitou (it’s currently at 23rd or so in Old Colorado City). But just get out and make your own route—it’s just a bike.

Hike. There is no reason not to hike here. Trails are numerous and accessible, not that challenging and beautiful—although a few may be of dubious legality. Favorites are those in Williams and Waldo canyons, along with the Crags.

THE THOREAU
The bad news: you may need a trail map. The good: you probably already own one, along with guidebooks, National Forest maps and good hiking boots, your totally easygoing nature and hemp guyabera.

Bike up and then down a big hill. You’ll need a reliable bike and bulging calves, but many of our trails are also open to mountain bikers. Cheyenne Canyon seems like fun, but if you almost run me and my dog off the trail, I will throw a rock at your face. You’ve been warned.

Shred, dude. We’ve got a million-dollar, 40,000-square-foot skatepark opening up in Memorial Park this fall, and if you skate or even think about it, you’d be stupid to pass up checking it out. The opening has been pushed back by a few months (sources say November-ish), but the result should be truly awesome and a long time coming for the Springs.

Catch some fish. We’re within an hour of some great fly-fishing, in some of the most amazing surroundings in the country. Sure, you’ll need to buy, rent or borrow the gear, learn weird knots and adhere to park rules, but it sure beats working. Check out Eleven Mile, Four Mile, Deckers and Cheesman Canyon, and keep in mind that the Angler’s Covey on Colorado Ave. offers tons of classes and guided tours, along with a “NO BAIT!” sign on the door.

¡AY! ¡ES SEÑOR MONTAÑO!
Dude, face it: You are a jock, and you’re willing to pay for it. You own ropes, harnesses, special shoes and the various, expensive ephemera of enjoying an outdoors life in the Rockies. You also will never, ever shut up about it.

Climb some rock. Rock-climbing is fun, challenging and safe with the right crew and equipment. The downside is that said equipment is very spendy. The upside is that we’ve got literally one hundred bazillion places to climb nearby. Check out any of the routes at Red Rock Canyon, or try Montezuma’s Tower at Garden of the Gods.

Raft. With the Arkansas not far away, there are plenty of safe, guided rafting tours to be had, in case you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to be inside a washing machine while wearing a helmet. None of them price out as cheap—but then, do you really want to bargain-hunt for this type of thing? Nah, brah.

TOTALLY XXXTREME!!!!!!!
You are just extreme to the extreme. You have Dew in your veins and adventure in your heart. While others cower while you scoff at death and avoid permanent place of residence in order to follow your XTREME DREAMZ, there is no other life for you. If we’re being honest here, you’re sort of the proof of Darwinism.

Scree. I’m assured this is a real thing, but I still don’t quite believe it. You know those steep boulder screes you see on your nice leisurely hikes, and you’re like, “Man, I sure hope I don’t fall down that”? People throw themselves down that. It’s called screeing and those people are crazy.

White-water kayak. This is rafting without the safety or company. It’s a fact that one in every three white-water kayakers has permanent brain damage, unless I just made that up.

Rollerblade. Again with the many, many miles of paved trails and lovely scenery. The hardest part of this is, as the joke goes, having to tell your parents that you’re gay. Bwa-ha-ha.

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