NEWSPEAK Blog

When you have no weapons

1. Tie a rope to two trees across a wooded path.
2. Lure a giant using your best friend as bait.
3. Quickly douse fallen giant with lamp oil.
4. Set giant on fire.

Dear the Berlin Madame Tussaud's ...

I heard that you had some difficulty during your grand opening—in particular, that the head of your wax Hitler was torn off and stolen by some guy who had some sort of problem with Hitler.

As you may know, we have a Hitler head, given to us by an anonymous chainsaw-art devotee. You're free to borrow it until you you're able to craft a new wax one. Right now Chainsaw Hitler is incognito and passes for Chainsaw Pancho Villa, but take off the sombrero and the larger 'stache and the bandolier/lei and I'm sure he'll do the job:

You're welcome.

The America we all see but choose to ignore

This is semi-old news, but it bears repeating over and over again until someone with more balls than Obama comes along and completely overhauls the health insurance industry. The idea that a small handful of Americans profit on the health-care of hundreds of millions is repugnant. Bottom line: the health and well-being of a nation is part of a nation's public trust, and that trust is being violated every second of every minute of every hour in God's beloved USA.

NEW YORK (CNN)  -- A 49-year-old woman collapsed and died on the floor of a waiting room at a Brooklyn psychiatric hospital and lay there for more than an hour as employees ignored her, according to the New York Civil Liberties Union, which on Tuesday released surveillance camera video of the incident. [Read more and watch the video here.]

We're here! We're steer!

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Cowboys are kick-ass. And there's nothing more genuinely cowboy than the Ride for the Brand Ranch Rodeo, which is going on tomorrow as is all about real cowboys doing real cowboy things, not sparkly-shirted pretty boy pro rodeo posers. Check out the interview Culture Cast did with some of the tough-as-nails cowboys last year:

The Ride for the Brand Cattle Drive just went by on Tejon, with tons of cows, adorable calves and cowboys who could lasso your nose off your face.

These people seemed to enjoy it. I think they're the same people whom I overheard asking, when the Smokebrush toaster went by, "Are those real antlers?" God bless the USA.

Understanding "God Bless the USA": An open letter to my hero, Lee Greenwood.

Because we can, let's take a closer look at "General" Lee Greenwood's lyrics. In the spirit of patriotism, you understand.

If tomorrow all the things were gone,
I’d worked for all my life.
And I had to start again,
with just my children and my wife.

Just your children and your wife? Just? I'm curious what else you've worked for all your life that you'll be hypothetically forced to give up. Your awesome haircut? Your chart-topping stubble?

I’d thank my lucky stars,
to be livin here today.
‘Cause the flag still stands for freedom,
and they can’t take that away.

First, the flag never really stood for that. It stood for resistance and unity. It was, like most others, a battle standard. And retards like you didn't really start worshiping it until the 1950s, two hundred years after the fact. And yes, "they" can take that away, pretty much anytime they like. Ever been to jail? Not a whole lot of freedom there.

And I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

Well, Lee, judging by your record of support for the Bush administration, you're just fine in forgetting those men who died—or better yet, forgetting those men (and broads!) who are still alive but need access to medical and psychiatric care, GI Bills or loans. But, after all, this guy didn't die. What a pussy!

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

As David Cross said, 9/11 was your second chance, asshole. The fact that you aren't in Kabul does in fact make me doubt that you love this land. Put yourself, rather than your fans, in harm's way and we'll see how much you love 'Merica.

From the lakes of Minnesota,
to the hills of Tennessee.
Across the plains of Texas,
From sea to shining sea.

Yes, these are recognizable features of our country. Well done.

From Detroit down to Houston,
and New York to L.A.
Well there's pride in every American heart,
and its time we stand and say.

Where's the heart of rock n' roll still beating? Just kidding. But seriously, have you ever spoken to an American in New York or LA? Or Detroit? Are you joking? I mean, in Houston, I can understand that most people, if asked, "Is there pride in your American heart?" would respond, "Darn tootin!" But in Detroit, the answer would be more along the lines of kicking your cracker ass.

That I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

One more time!

And I’m proud to be and American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

Like I said, I have some serious doubts as your genuine patriotism. I believe that you believe that you're a patriot, sure. That goes without saying. But here's a picture of you, Lee:

I don't doubt that you spoke out, with marblemouthed intensity, against the desecration of the American flag. Right? Yet there you are, resplendent in the red, white and blue, sweating all over the leather, dropping barbecue sauce onto the stars and Dixie beer onto the stripes. Don't you think that's a bigger insult, the casual donning, doffing and soiling of your beloved symbol, than burning the flag, using our First Amendment, to make a political statement? Or can you not make that distinction?

Hate to harp on you, Lee, but you're the worst type of hypocrite—the kind who inspires equal blind hypocrisy in others. It's not patriotism, what you do. It's jingoism.

Happy Independence Day.

Where's Lee Greenwood today?

Every Independence Day, only question comes into mind: Where is the most patriotic American, a true hero, the person who had the courage to write "God Bless the USA"? Where is Lee Greenwood today?

Last year, he was at Disneyland, performing for some Ra-Ra America event. But it looks like General Lee's star has indeed fallen, what with the gays gettin murried and the Mexicans and whatnot, because instead of the Happiest Place on Earth, he'll be at some place called the Wharf in Orange Beach, AL. The Wharf? That doesn't sound classy, Lee!

But wait a cotton-pickin' minute: Lee is playing an event called Fourth at the Wharf (that rhymes!), and it turns out the Wharf is actually a massive complex that boasts:

"Find everything you'd expect in a luxury resort at The Wharf. Take a stroll down Main Street where you can shop 'til you drop; Enjoy a decadent meal at one of our many fine restaurants; Ride our 112' Ferris wheel, the tallest in the Southeast; Catch a concert at the 10,000-seat Amphitheater; Go fishing; Take a bike ride; Relax around The Oasis; Play a round of golf; Or simply do nothing at all. Whatever you're looking for, you can find it at The Wharf."

Stop 'til you drop? Relax? Do nothing? Whatever I'm looking for? Awesome! What if what I'm looking for is to NOT SEE LEE GREENWOOD? Can you offer that, the Wharf? No? Huh. You should probably consider it, since he's looking more and more like Gollum these days and will probably frighten the children.

"Tricksy liberals!"

Anyway, that's where Lee is today. The following two videos are to help you decide what's better—"God Bless the USA" set to a 9/11-themed laser light show, or "God Bless the USA" as performed by a closet case in a high school jazz band? Which would make Thomas Jefferson more proud?

The O-Face Caption Contest!

To whomever provides the best caption for this here photograph, a sum of one (1) kiss on the cheek and one (1) beer of the winner's choosing will be awarded by me, Gregory Reilly.



Have fun?

I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. And I won't forget the men who died to give that right to me. And I'd gladly stand up next to you ...

... and hurl puppies off a cliff.

http://view.break.com/463231 - Watch more free videos

This video first started making the rounds a few months ago. Pictured is Lance Cpl. David Motari, who was discharged from the Marines after word of this video reached his superiors. Nobody seems to know if it's real or not—not even Snopes, who specialize in that sort of thing.

I'm just so glad that there's adequate mental health care for all these returning, PTSD-prone Iraq vets.

Man-tastic ass

So until Greg and I get our shit together (that is, catch up on all the work and sleep we missed yesterday so that you didn't have to, you ingrate) enough to post all our photos to the Newspeak flikr pool, please enjoy this picture of a cop's ass sticking out of his overheating cruiser:

Quite possibly the best headline ever.

From the story:

President Bush's economic stimulus package, which appears so far to have been ineffective in stroking the economy to life, is giving an unexpected raise to the porn industry.

From an Adult Internet Market Research Company press release:

An independent market-research firm, AIMRCo (Adult Internet Market Research Company), has discovered that many websites focused on adult or erotic material have experienced an upswing in sales in the recent weeks since checks have appeared in millions of Americans' mailboxes across the country.

According to Kirk Mishkin, Head Research Consultant for AIMRCo, "Many of the sites we surveyed have reported 20-30% growth in membership rates since mid-May when the checks were first sent out, and typically the summer is a slow period for this market."

Many other heroic tales of economic stimulation can be found at How I Spent My Stimulus. Like this one:

"We paid for our security deposit for a new duplex rental." Jolene, 33, Marketing Director /Somerville Architects Green Bay, WI

And

"$1,300 of my $1,500 check went to my husband's illegitimate child who doesn't even carry his last name! The remaining $200 helped buy much needed clothing for my three children and some prescription medications. Still leaves on living on Food Stamps and searching for jobs to help fuel our one car. GET THIS: A Stimulus check came to this house addressed to the person in the picture, who happens to be here illegally from Mexico. There are also people actually living in Mexico who with the help of a P.O. Box in Texas, receive Social Security Checks and have never worked a day in their lives in the United States. How does that happen?" Laura El Paso, TX

And

"I bought myself 6 vials of sperm!! (the check paid for 3 -- not counting shipping)." Louise Mytown, PA

Many, if not most, of the people who wrote in to How I Spent My Stimulus say that they're either saving it or using it to pay back bills. Things are dire out there, kids. Which reminds me of this:

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

I am having difficulties with people recognizing me everywhere.

I would really like to have one of these masks. You know, for all the burglaries and rapes I commit. Or to keep the adoring fans at bay. Come to think of it, outside of a pretty specific market, this seems like something of a bad product to just have out there for general purchase, doesn't it? Beats pantyhose, at any rate.

No one ever said Fox News was sly...

The Fox News got caught altering photos of two rival journalists at the New York Times which aired on the program Fox and Friends. Fox altered the photo of Times editor Stephen Reddicliffe and reporter Jacques Steinberg after the two questioned the network's ratings.

Reddicliffe:



Steinberg:

Read all about it here.

Hitch gets waterboarded!

Read the Vanity Fair article. Watch the video. Teach your kids that torture is an instrument of State power.

This might be better than Zwack.

I know, I know—it's sacrilege to suggest that anything could be more awesome than Zwack (Nice shoes. Wanna Zwack?™), but you haven't seen the ad campaign for TruBlood yet. It goes a little like this:

TruBlood is—and pay attention here—bottled synthetic blood. FOR VAMPIRES. Did you just hear me poop my brain?

And then it turns out that the whole thing is just marketing for an HBO show called True Blood, which is apparently about vampires. Bummer—except that it's the new series by Alan Ball, who did Six Feet Under, and that it stars Anna Paquin, formerly known as That Girl From My GirlAlmost Famous and currently known as That Girl Who Plays Rogue.

But sigh. I really wanted to buy some synthetic blood.

Buddy Wakefield coming to Edifice Gallery.

Excellent news for fans of, like, words:

Two-time National Poetry Slam champion Buddy Wakefield will be reading at Edifice Gallery on July 17. Wakefield is, I'm informed, quite the get. He's also crazily intense and apparently travels with his own battalion of trained attack pigeons.

This'll be worth attending, and is just another example of how we suddenly live in a real city with actual cultural events. Congrats to the Zogster and Arnot for getting Wakefield to come here!

I know a girl whose mom slept with the guitar player from Huey Lewis and the News.

I bring up at every opportunity that I know someone whose mom slept with the guitar player from the News. For instance:

GUY AT BAR: You know that awesome song from Back to the Future? Who was that?
ME: Huey Lewis, man! I know a girl whose mom slept with the guitar player from the News.

BANK TELLER: ... forty, sixty, eighty, one hundred. There you are.
ME: I know a girl whose mom slept with the guitar player from Huey Lewis and the News.

PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Oh my god, I'm so wet for you right now.
ME: That reminds me. I know a girl whose mom slept with the guitar player from Huey Lewis and the News.

Anyway, Huey and the N are back! For reals! They're doing, BttF-style, the theme song for the upcoming Seth Rogen stoner comedy Pineapple Express. Their theme contains many excellent Hueyisms as well the sound of a bong being smoked and pot-esque coughing. You can listen to it here—but I'm warning you, Huey rhymes "chronic" with "on it." Excellent.

After an hour and a half in the beating sun...

After waiting for a goddamn hour and a half in the heat, Barack finally showed up. We were all cordoned off, swept, sniffed at by dogs, and then given pretty specific instructions. The SS guy directing us was really cool and cracked a lot of jokes.

Barack came about 20' away from us and said a few words about volunteering and staying in school and then got into his Suburban. He hung out for a while and even threw us a terrorist handshake.

It is now raining on me, so that'll be that. Enjoy, EDIT: Springsteens, as it were.

Gop the Dog says, "Obama makes me wanna arf!"

Drew (who have may very well been nabbed by the SS), sent some photos. He may be en route to Gitmo, but wait a flingin' flangin' minute! Looks like the Fiskster's protest is well underway!

Either that, or it's a support group for incontinence. And hey, retards, your dog's not a lapel pin.

HaggardWatch!

I hate to interrupt Greg and Drew's O-hilarity, but here's a heads up that we'll be starting a new web and print feature called HaggardWatch, in honor of the former New Lifer's return to COS—and we need your help!

If you've seen Haggard, shoot us an email with the location and a brief synopsis of your sighting. For instance:

"Saw Haggard at Lau'au's. The gay conversion therapy must've worked because he was really enjoying that taco."

We'll be launching the feature soon. Send all sightings to newspeakmag AT gmail DOT com. Prizes and accolades given if you happen to spot the Archbishop of Manterbury near gay cruise spots, which we'll identify on the map once we get it up. Get sightin'!

Use this power for good, part II.

So he and I had a bit of a chat and I asked him what he was up to. He said he was "keeping an eye on things" and "making sure things don't get out of control." He mentioned that they might "show up with some McCain posters later." I asked him for his card, and of course he obliged.

He seemed nice enough.

Use this power for good.

So some guy was talking on his cell phone about arranging a protest for the event. Apparently he's with the El Paso County Republican Party. He's dressed nicely. He has signs. His email address is execdir@gopelpaso.com in case you're interested in letting him know you appreciate what the Republican Party is doing in El Paso County. That's execdir (as in "executive director") at GO EL PASO dot commie.

In completely unrelated news, I happened upon this nifty website: Mailinator. It sets up a temporary email address that is deleted within fifteen or so minutes of being registered. It's very convenient for signing up for services that might spam you or if, for instance, you would like to send an email anonymously.

Just saying.

Here he is on his phone arranging the protest.

He with his handful of signs and a few accomplices.

And because I am a camwhore--Mr. Reilly hard at work.

Please drink responsibly.

Obama hasn't talked yet but I have plenty to say.

So the line is extravagantly long and nobody can find the restrooms. I think Andrew and I have been questioned something like seven times by random passersby. I have a pot and change of coffee in my system and my leg is restless in the sort of way that the people who push off that ridiculous "restless leg syndrome" "medicine" would go batshit for.

The show hall looks like it'll hold something like 250 people and they've apparently got 400 tickets drifting around out there. It's predicted that Obama will be fashionably late by anything between an hour or two, but we've already got a couple hundred people lined up outside. They're all patiently waiting to be wanded and shown to their seats, chatting it up and trying to look pretty.

We realize the pointlessness of being here but we're pretty happy to have an excuse to sit around and make fun of people that we're obviously a bit envious of. I'd probably kill, at the very least, a cute puppy to actually get inside. This seems, as it were, unlikely to the point of irrelevance.

The school coffee shop has been pounded by the mochiatto latte etc. etc. crowd and aren't too pleased by it. "Supreme sugar-free non-fat vanilla latte!" the barista calls. The owner of said drink replies "you didn't say iced." Apparently he wanted it iced. He was adamant about the matter. I feel very happy that my palate prefers plain black coffee.

There doesn't seem like much point in sitting here and typing more about it. I am considering trying to get myself arrested. I think if I told my boss ahead of time that I was going to do so, I could get away with missing work. That would be delightful.

I am going to end this now and swear not to post more until I have transcended my self-indulgent nature and found something generally worth writing about. That, or until I feel like it. Or something. Aaron just gave me the go-ahead to post pictures at will, so you're just going to have to deal with it. Why am I still typing?

--Reilly

O-Face Pictures Extravaganza Part 2: Son of Pictures Extravaganza!

Metal detectors and TSA-looking security detail. I'm sure their wait will be much shorter than the typical security check at Denver Int'l.

Being Secret Service doesn't mean you don't occasionally look like a schmuck.

There. Are. Women. Everywhere.

Yeah.

These poor, idealistic college students. They really feel privileged to have the chance to effect real and direct change by volunteering to do grunt work at the behest of a higher, more influential power. They can't allow themselves to think that the entirety of their efforts is generally mocked and almost completely unappreciated. I am so glad that I am nothing like them whatsoever.


The Gazette photographer who seems to be their ONLY photographer ever. Who watches who watches the watchmen? I do, mofo. --Greg

O-Face Pictures Extravaganza!

Lookit that dish. Fox News is not screwing around today.


The clandestine photo of the Secret Service guy. I forgot to mention it, but he made a point to flash his belt badge at me--along with the two magazines of 9mm refills on a little belt clip. As if I couldn't tell already, ya schmuck.


The police dogs have been going for some time and they show no sign of stopping. Nearby are more of our friendly neighborhood secret police and the Obama volunteers getting schooled on how to conduct themselves and etc. Apparently they treat the security like they do at airports--take off your shoes through the metal detector and so forth.


There's a will-call booth, just like your neighborhood theatre.


Greg Reilly, camwhore extraordinaire, present and accounted for.

Liveblogging O-face

So this is Greg Reilly writing from picturesque UCCS. Andrew and I have shown up here to witness the spectacle that is the Barack Obama visit and we've already got a couple of stories to share. There are a hell of a lot of news vans out here--and have been since at least 5:30 this morning, when I first got into the neighborhood. Local crews have been doing periodic spots on the upper plaza while Secret Service get shit into order and make sure none of us fuddy-duddy yokels see too much of the super-secret setup in the University gymnasium.

As I was typing that, the line of sight I had to the entrance of the gym was shuttered off by a big, uhm, shutter that I never knew even existed. We chose the spot to ease our observations and now it seems that our cunning plan has been foiled. We vow to find other approaches to serve the no-doubt ravenous demand for useless information regarding this visit. If it works for the Fox News crew that's here, it'll work for us, right?

Obama has booth girls for some reason or another and it's by far the best part of the engagement as such. They are quite pretty and well-dressed. Chalk another one up for Obama over Clinton--his interns are definitely hotter than the ones Clinton kept around back in the day.

The hallway here is semi-filled with "professional" "journalists" drinking "coffee" and "shooting the shit." Everyone is rather bored and nobody seems happy about having to be here so early when the damn doors don't even open until 9:30. We ran into a local Obama volunteer who got a ticket to the event just last night and had a good chat with him about this-and-that. I see him now, just outside, chatting with one of the booth hotties. He seems genuinely interested in Obama and his campaign and desires to change the world for the better. He is summarily ignored at just about every turn.

As for the Secret Service, they've apparently been here for some time. Andrew showed up at 3:30 and inadvertently led an unmarked Concorde on a tour of campus, until, he says, they tried to cut him off and he sped off on his bike. I was trying to snap a picture of the inside of the gym just as the fearless SS officer walked up to the door. All he gave me was a stern "no," and walked toward me. Not wanting to sacrifice my expensive camera for a bullshit picture of the inner sanctum, I backed up a suitable distance and agreed not to take any pictures.

Then I snapped a picture of him with my phone. Clandestinely. Quasi-ninjastically. Is that a word? It is now.

We're having difficulties with the whole "pictures" thing (as a result of me not having slept at all and being forgetful about cables and the bringing of said cables) but as soon as I run home and grab the cables that I will need to use to transfer pictures to my laptop. Through the cables. Cables.  I assure you we'll have no shortage of pictures with almost no intrinsic value. Again, if it works for Fox News...

We'll be updating throughout the day, so keep an eye out for more of our up-to-the-when-we-feel-like-it bullshit.

He's just a hate-filled guy that got lucky.

I can't find a direct embed for it, but please do watch the first six or so minutes of this episode of the Daily Show, where Jon Stewart takes on local beloved fundotard James Dobson. PWNED!

Breaking: crazy-panderer's secret location disclosed

For those who haven't heard, the big O is coming to COS tomorrow.  From the Gazette story:

The media was told where Obama will be speaking, but the campaign has not said who has received invitations and has asked that the location not be disclosed.

I don't know if Newspeak! was among the media who were notified, but I'm going to take the chance of compromising our journalistic integrity by sharing with you the following email:

From: staff-l@uccs.edu staff-l@uccs.edu On Behalf Of Chancellor's Office
Sent: Tuesday, July 01, 2008 7:52 AM
To: staff-l@uccs.edu
Subject: [staff-l] Presidential Candidate Visit

Presidential candidate Barrack Obama will deliver an invitation only address in the UCCS University Center gymnasium on Wednesday, July 2.

The event, organized and contracted by Barack Obama’s campaign team, is not open to the general public.  However, we do anticipate it will garner a great deal of national, regional and local attention for our campus.

Have fun, kids.

Breaking: we make a great team!

I heard today that folks in Colorado Springs have been receiving robo-calls from Terry Maketa and the El Paso County sheriff's office campaigning for John "107 Ounces" Newsome. The gist of the calls is that Maketa and his big inflatable prison are urging voters to support Newsome's reelection because, said Maketa, "We make a great team." You certainly do! A great big corrupt, broke team!

The El Paso County Democratic Party couldn't speak to the legality of Maketa's calls, even if they're being funded by public monies, and I'm still waiting on a call back from the Colorado Department of State. And because I'm a crappy reporter, I gave the Indy a call to tip them on this, so here's hoping they can root something out. I'm a fan of scandals involving high-ranking unpopular Republicans, as are we all, and hopefully there's something shady afoot that will further soil Newsome's big drunk face.

And so the pandering to the crazies begins....

Sure, he looked sort of liberal during the Democratic primaries (as liberal as a Democratic Senator can look, I suppose), but now the rules of the game have changed. Say hello to the shiny, new, God-fearing "centrist" Obama. Universal healthcare. Forget about it. Ending the war in one year. Ha! Closing the spigot on corporate welfare. Yeah, right....

Obama to expand Bush's faith based programs

CHICAGO (AP) — Reaching out to evangelical voters, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama is announcing plans to expand President Bush's program steering federal social service dollars to religious groups and — in a move sure to cause controversy — support some ability to hire and fire based on faith.