NEWSPEAK Blog

Ask Xtreme: weekend bonus!

Dear Xtremeandy—

I just moved to C. Springs from Houston, TX and it seems like the club life here blows. Where can a guy like me go to hang out, sip some Long Island Iced Teas and possibly get my nuts wet? Please help, I'm sick of Cowboys.

Bored to Death

Dear Bored to Death,

I know what its like to move to this fucked up town and realize its gay. Im from Bozeman, so trust me, I know.

Most bars in this town make me wanna' blow groceries. Do NOT go to this art fag place called Sugars. Yeah, I know the real is Shugas but I aint gonna' call it that. I felt queer enough just being in that place, theyre not gonna' make me sound queer too. Heres why that place blows. Its the only joint Ive EVER been to where I didnt bed a broad. Ill tell you what happened. I walked in and there were all these weirdos tooling around. Some dj was mixing break beats with old timey folk shit. Gross. I saw this broad who looked like she was dressed in her Grannys clothes. She had a wicked shape to her though so I stepped. We were talking for awhile and she kept saying "in terms of" before every sentence. Im not kidding, before EVERYTHING she said!
"In terms of the consrvative political climate...blah, blah, fuckin' blah". I concentrated on the lips that werent spewing crap instead. She had a wicked camel toe in those tight, plaid, Goodwill slacks. The DJ finally stopped trying to impress everybody with his art fag mixes and actually played a song. It was this kinda' nice acoustic song.

"Shit, this sounds a little like old school Paul Simon. Only more whiny," I said.

"Pffft, Paul Simon?" she replied while rolling her eyes under her non prescription, nerd glasses, "This is only my all time favorite artist, Elliott Smith!"

"Never heard of him but he cries more than a Boston Red Sox fan." I listened some more. "Jeez! Why doesnt he just kill himself already?!"

All of a sudden this granny broad looked at me in horror and took off crying. I could see why she like that music. Still though, in terms of banging her, i was bummed she bailed.

Another place to generally avoid is the Black Sheep. They have some good shows but I think its a gay bar. Ive been told the contrary but c'mon, look at the bartenders. Plus they have this buff jerk bouncer with this huge beard that thinks he's better looking than me. Thats why he never lets me in there with my Goldschlager/slurpee drink. Fuck him.

I pretty much avoid bars altogether, You wanna' know the real hot spot? It's not bars, the gym, or the Dog Park. Its at AA meetings. One of my Dads used to take me to AA meetings with him and lemme' tell you, there are broads galore. Theyre destitute, too, so typically, anything goes. 12 step program? No, 13 steps. And the 13th step isn't written on the plackard on the wall. It's hiding in my trousers. Sobriety anyone?

Oh yeah, Texas sucks. Youre from Texas. Do the math. Go the fuck back there you Shiner Bock drinking numbskull. Theres already enough jerks in this town.

One Hate,
~XA

Ask Xtreme: This week's edition.

Dear Xtreme,
I really want to get a tattoo, but I'm not sure what's cool these days. Chinese characters? Something tribal? Please help, I really need to impress the chicks.

—Want Ink

Deer Want Ink,

Shit, my ink is wicked. I find that we get tattoos for the same reason we do all kinds of shit like brush our teeth, clip our nose hair, inline skate... We do it for the Tang. With that in mind, make sure the ink you get will cultivate fields of broads. You're gonna have that shit forever so each tattoo should bed at least 40 to 50 broads.

The key is to get something original. So tribals and chink shit is out of the question. Unless you're black or oriental, duh! Me, I'm white so I got a white man's tattoo—the Tasmanian Devil. I can hear you already, "But Xtremeandy, you said get something original. I've seen a million Tasmanian Devil tattoos". Maybe you have, but have you seen him on a pair of inline skates doing a fakey-grindy over a dumpster? Well you have if you've seen my left ass cheek.

My second tattoo is hella deep. I drink a lot of Goldschlager/Slurpee cocktails. It gets you stupid drunk and the brain freeze makes you do dumb shit. Let's just say I've run through more broads than James Bond. Some of which are of questionable character. I've gotten the crabs a few times in my life. It's embarassing. I have to shoplift this shit called "Rid" from King Soopers to get rid of those itchy fuckers. They're really gross. You can see their legs moving and shit. Anyway, they come with theses little tiny combs to comb out the dead crabs after you poison them. I've done this shit so many times I got a tattoo of a that little comb on the outer line of my pubic hair. Above that, in large, wicked gothic letters i got "NEVER AGAIN" tatooed. Guess what, since that tattoo I haven't been infested.

I also have "Never Again" tattooed over my ass crack but that the story behind that one is none of your business, fag.

My last tat is a crucifix on my dick. Have you ever seen the Exorcist? You know the scene I'm talking about right? I saw that shit and thought to myself, "You know, when I nail broads it's the same damn thing." I call my dick the Exorcist now, too. Cuz when I'm up in ya', I'm bangin' the demons right outta you. It's just an added bonus you get when I inevitably bang your girlfriend. I send her back to you a little less crazy. You're welcome.

One Hate,
~XA

Dear Xtreme,
This totally only happened to me once, but last time I was having sex I couldn't get hard. It was really embarrassing, even though the girl was really nice about it. How can I prevent this? And what do you say to someone in that sitch? I don't want this to happen again.

—No More Soft Cock

Dear No More Soft Cock,

I can tell you're a prick. You used the word "sitch." Do you realize how gay that makes you sound? The girl was really nice to you because she didn't have the heart to tell you the real reason why you couldn't get hard. You're queer as a Radiohead fan. She had the wrong equipment. It's just that simple. Don't get all bummed and shit. I know of at least one cool gay dude. Rob Halford. I ain't down with all that queer stuff but Rob Halford is a faggot genius. Think about it—if you're gonna dig boys why not front a legendary metal band? Every night you sing to a sea of confused, pre-pubescent, long haired, waifish boys who think you're a god. They are also idiots who can be talkied into anything. There is nothing that smacks of "Darwin's Waiting Room" more than a mosh pit. It's fuckin hilarious every time. A bunch of pricks running around in a circle, slamming into each other. It's usually better than the show itself. My favorite is when dudes who mosh try to make it sound so honorable. "Dude, when someone falls down you're supposed to pick 'em up and keep going!" Shut the fuck up! Just don't run into each other in the first place and you wont have to pick anyone up. They act like it's some kind of art form with rules and chivalry and shit. Here's what it really is: A bunch of half wits, proudly displaying their sexual repression by ritually dancing around in a circle of virginal unity. How's that for dropping science? A lot of you haters dont know how fucking smart I really am. Youll learn.

Shit, I've gone way off topic! All i was trying to say is that you couldnt get hard cuz you're a fag.

One Hate,
~XA

New column: Ask Xtreme.

What follows is a new advice column we'll be running by a local character and message board resident known only as Xtremeandy. We tracked him down and put him to work. Enjoy, and send all questions for Ask Xtreme to newspeakmag@gmail.com.

Dear Xtremeandy,

All of my pickup lines are played out. Got any suggestions?
~anonymous.

You see, here's where most dudes fuck deyself. They think they have to use "lines." You know, words and shit. Broads like to fancy themselves complicated but they're as simple as syrup. They are also animals which respond to actions before words, dumbass. That's why I use "pick up moves." They're basic and they work every time.

OK, here's one of my classics (I can't believe I'm giving this one away!). Always, I repeat, ALWAYS, have a pack of extra large condoms in your pocket. Part of the fun of this "pick up move" is getting to buy extra large condoms from the 7 Eleven broad. When she asks, "Can I help you?" You reply, "Shouldn't I be asking you that?" and just throw them shits on the counter (practice your technique at home so that they spin around for a couple seconds before she notices what they are. Kinda like a quarter that's just been spun). Once she sees what they are she'll try to pretend that it's just a regular item, like a pack o' gum or some shit. Silly clerk broad, you know you're intrigued. Too bad for her though, this prop is for drunk, dim-witted bar broads.

Take your Jimmies to your favorite watering trough and wait for the pigs to get thirsty. Wait for some broad to ask you for a cigarette. YOU MUST WAIT FOR THEM TO ASK! This is key. You can't go forcing the issue. Some broads are smart enough to look through that. Once one finally does ask, DON'T LOOSE YOUR SHIT! Act normal. Reach into your pocket to grab your smokes but instead pull out the box of Magnum Condoms. Act like something across the bar caught your attention as you put the box in front of her on the bar. This way you look like you're not paying attention and you have no idea you accidentally put a box of Magnums in front of her. Then, look down at what you've done and act more embarrassed than you ever have in your life. Personally, I've mastered this part. I can actually blush on demand. Broads dig a dude who’s blushing, trust me. Say some shit like, "Holy cow, I'm so sorry. I thought these were my smokes!" all the while fumbling the Magnums back into your pocket. Here's the genius of this pick up move, you all of a sudden look like a sweet, down to earth guy … with a huge cock. Pretend you're too embarrassed to talk to her anymore. Falsely apologize one more time and act like you're going to excuse yourself from the bar. KEEP BLUSHING, GODAMMIT! Chances are she'll grab your arm just laughing her pretty ass off. Oh, what a funny story to tell her friends about how you guys met! Plus, did you hear what I just said: she will tell her friends this story about this sweet, shy guy with a huge cock! If you don't understand how big that is, you are beyond help.

I got others. That one's pretty foolproof. Happy hunting.

One Hate,
~XA