NEWSPEAK Blog

Understanding "God Bless the USA": An open letter to my hero, Lee Greenwood.

Because we can, let's take a closer look at "General" Lee Greenwood's lyrics. In the spirit of patriotism, you understand.

If tomorrow all the things were gone,
I’d worked for all my life.
And I had to start again,
with just my children and my wife.

Just your children and your wife? Just? I'm curious what else you've worked for all your life that you'll be hypothetically forced to give up. Your awesome haircut? Your chart-topping stubble?

I’d thank my lucky stars,
to be livin here today.
‘Cause the flag still stands for freedom,
and they can’t take that away.

First, the flag never really stood for that. It stood for resistance and unity. It was, like most others, a battle standard. And retards like you didn't really start worshiping it until the 1950s, two hundred years after the fact. And yes, "they" can take that away, pretty much anytime they like. Ever been to jail? Not a whole lot of freedom there.

And I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

Well, Lee, judging by your record of support for the Bush administration, you're just fine in forgetting those men who died—or better yet, forgetting those men (and broads!) who are still alive but need access to medical and psychiatric care, GI Bills or loans. But, after all, this guy didn't die. What a pussy!

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

As David Cross said, 9/11 was your second chance, asshole. The fact that you aren't in Kabul does in fact make me doubt that you love this land. Put yourself, rather than your fans, in harm's way and we'll see how much you love 'Merica.

From the lakes of Minnesota,
to the hills of Tennessee.
Across the plains of Texas,
From sea to shining sea.

Yes, these are recognizable features of our country. Well done.

From Detroit down to Houston,
and New York to L.A.
Well there's pride in every American heart,
and its time we stand and say.

Where's the heart of rock n' roll still beating? Just kidding. But seriously, have you ever spoken to an American in New York or LA? Or Detroit? Are you joking? I mean, in Houston, I can understand that most people, if asked, "Is there pride in your American heart?" would respond, "Darn tootin!" But in Detroit, the answer would be more along the lines of kicking your cracker ass.

That I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

One more time!

And I’m proud to be and American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

Like I said, I have some serious doubts as your genuine patriotism. I believe that you believe that you're a patriot, sure. That goes without saying. But here's a picture of you, Lee:

I don't doubt that you spoke out, with marblemouthed intensity, against the desecration of the American flag. Right? Yet there you are, resplendent in the red, white and blue, sweating all over the leather, dropping barbecue sauce onto the stars and Dixie beer onto the stripes. Don't you think that's a bigger insult, the casual donning, doffing and soiling of your beloved symbol, than burning the flag, using our First Amendment, to make a political statement? Or can you not make that distinction?

Hate to harp on you, Lee, but you're the worst type of hypocrite—the kind who inspires equal blind hypocrisy in others. It's not patriotism, what you do. It's jingoism.

Happy Independence Day.

Quite possibly the best headline ever.

From the story:

President Bush's economic stimulus package, which appears so far to have been ineffective in stroking the economy to life, is giving an unexpected raise to the porn industry.

From an Adult Internet Market Research Company press release:

An independent market-research firm, AIMRCo (Adult Internet Market Research Company), has discovered that many websites focused on adult or erotic material have experienced an upswing in sales in the recent weeks since checks have appeared in millions of Americans' mailboxes across the country.

According to Kirk Mishkin, Head Research Consultant for AIMRCo, "Many of the sites we surveyed have reported 20-30% growth in membership rates since mid-May when the checks were first sent out, and typically the summer is a slow period for this market."

Many other heroic tales of economic stimulation can be found at How I Spent My Stimulus. Like this one:

"We paid for our security deposit for a new duplex rental." Jolene, 33, Marketing Director /Somerville Architects Green Bay, WI

And

"$1,300 of my $1,500 check went to my husband's illegitimate child who doesn't even carry his last name! The remaining $200 helped buy much needed clothing for my three children and some prescription medications. Still leaves on living on Food Stamps and searching for jobs to help fuel our one car. GET THIS: A Stimulus check came to this house addressed to the person in the picture, who happens to be here illegally from Mexico. There are also people actually living in Mexico who with the help of a P.O. Box in Texas, receive Social Security Checks and have never worked a day in their lives in the United States. How does that happen?" Laura El Paso, TX

And

"I bought myself 6 vials of sperm!! (the check paid for 3 -- not counting shipping)." Louise Mytown, PA

Many, if not most, of the people who wrote in to How I Spent My Stimulus say that they're either saving it or using it to pay back bills. Things are dire out there, kids. Which reminds me of this:

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

I am having difficulties with people recognizing me everywhere.

I would really like to have one of these masks. You know, for all the burglaries and rapes I commit. Or to keep the adoring fans at bay. Come to think of it, outside of a pretty specific market, this seems like something of a bad product to just have out there for general purchase, doesn't it? Beats pantyhose, at any rate.

I know a girl whose mom slept with the guitar player from Huey Lewis and the News.

I bring up at every opportunity that I know someone whose mom slept with the guitar player from the News. For instance:

GUY AT BAR: You know that awesome song from Back to the Future? Who was that?
ME: Huey Lewis, man! I know a girl whose mom slept with the guitar player from the News.

BANK TELLER: ... forty, sixty, eighty, one hundred. There you are.
ME: I know a girl whose mom slept with the guitar player from Huey Lewis and the News.

PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Oh my god, I'm so wet for you right now.
ME: That reminds me. I know a girl whose mom slept with the guitar player from Huey Lewis and the News.

Anyway, Huey and the N are back! For reals! They're doing, BttF-style, the theme song for the upcoming Seth Rogen stoner comedy Pineapple Express. Their theme contains many excellent Hueyisms as well the sound of a bong being smoked and pot-esque coughing. You can listen to it here—but I'm warning you, Huey rhymes "chronic" with "on it." Excellent.

Musical? Awesome. Doogie? Awesome. Mal Reynolds/Caleb? Awesome.

It's been a while since I posted anything Joss Whedon-related, and this news is a bit overdue. Say hello to Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, an online-only musical series starring Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion, that girl who was the cockney potential Slayer, and more, which looks wicked.

Teaser from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog on Vimeo.

Commence pooping of your pants. This looks just delightful.

I've been saying this for years!

Sex is for fags!

Duh! Sometimes my wife is like, "But how are we going to have children if and when we decide to?" and I'm like, "I dunno ... QUEER! But you're not gonna get me into that gay sex shit! It's for fags!"

From the site, here's an awesome alternative to sex:

SENSORY DEPRIVATION! Put on five layers of super-baggy clothes, then lock yourself in the closet – along with lots of paper towels for soaking up your urine. While you're there, pray to Christ for guidance – because Jesus hung out with tons of whores, and He never, ever did "it". And why not? So that when He swoops down from heaven in His kickin' white Cadillac Escalade, He'll be able to ID all the sluts and flash-fry them with His laser-beam headlights!

And don't forget their sister site, Iron Hymen!

Check out these testimonials:

Crystal F.: "I used to suffer terribly from dirty dreams about boys. Thankfully, now my Iron Hymen Libido-Be-Gone™ thong panties keep my dreams clean – and my yucky cooter bone-dry!"

Muffy P.: "OHMIGOD, like, Iron Hymen taught me to respect myself way too much to ever let some hairy creep hock man-lugies on my Godly cervix like it's some gross subway platform!"

This has been a public service.

A Gamorrean guard dancing to Cyndi Lauper? Why the hell not!

This is from one of Walt Disney World's "Star Wars Weekends," in which costumed people have dance-offs and I cry myself to sleep over what seems like the final nail in the coffin of all that was holy and could I fit one more cliche in this sentence?

You know, if George Lucas could license Star Wars colonoscopes, I bet he would. Upkeep on that beard ain't cheap, you know.

Suck it, Spurlock.

Man loses 80 pounds on McDonalds diet.

(Of course, he did so by eating salads and stuff, but still, anything to stick it to that ironically-mustachioed schlocktard.)

What's Latin for THAC0?

Pictured above is a glass 20-sided die recently auctioned off at Christie's. From the auction description:

A ROMAN GLASS GAMING DIE Circa 2nd Century A.D. Deep blue-green in color, the large twenty-sided die incised with a distinct symbol on each of its faces 2 1/16 in. (5.2 cm.) wide

Several polyhedra in various materials with similar symbols are known from the Roman period. Modern scholarship has not yet established the game for which these dice were used.

Clearly, this is proof of Roman geeks, who'd get pushed around by the centurions, play their D&D and wait quietly for bifocals to be invented. But seriously, I would really like to find out what those symbols stand for. It's WITCHCRAFT!