NEWSPEAK Blog

Where's Lee Greenwood today?

Every Independence Day, only question comes into mind: Where is the most patriotic American, a true hero, the person who had the courage to write "God Bless the USA"? Where is Lee Greenwood today?

Last year, he was at Disneyland, performing for some Ra-Ra America event. But it looks like General Lee's star has indeed fallen, what with the gays gettin murried and the Mexicans and whatnot, because instead of the Happiest Place on Earth, he'll be at some place called the Wharf in Orange Beach, AL. The Wharf? That doesn't sound classy, Lee!

But wait a cotton-pickin' minute: Lee is playing an event called Fourth at the Wharf (that rhymes!), and it turns out the Wharf is actually a massive complex that boasts:

"Find everything you'd expect in a luxury resort at The Wharf. Take a stroll down Main Street where you can shop 'til you drop; Enjoy a decadent meal at one of our many fine restaurants; Ride our 112' Ferris wheel, the tallest in the Southeast; Catch a concert at the 10,000-seat Amphitheater; Go fishing; Take a bike ride; Relax around The Oasis; Play a round of golf; Or simply do nothing at all. Whatever you're looking for, you can find it at The Wharf."

Stop 'til you drop? Relax? Do nothing? Whatever I'm looking for? Awesome! What if what I'm looking for is to NOT SEE LEE GREENWOOD? Can you offer that, the Wharf? No? Huh. You should probably consider it, since he's looking more and more like Gollum these days and will probably frighten the children.

"Tricksy liberals!"

Anyway, that's where Lee is today. The following two videos are to help you decide what's better—"God Bless the USA" set to a 9/11-themed laser light show, or "God Bless the USA" as performed by a closet case in a high school jazz band? Which would make Thomas Jefferson more proud?

Let's do Mondays!

The news!

"Greetings, Americans." The United States sent a whole crap-ton of food to North Korea after North Korea effectively curbed their nuclear program, helping open up diplomatic relations between our countries. "I so ronery," said Kim Jong Il. "I can has legacy?" said President Bush.

I DO NOT LIKE MY MITTENS McCain's top veep choice? Mitt Romney. There he goes, pandering to the "don't-call-your-wife-a-trollop-faced-cunt" vote.

Directive? The weekend box office was creamed by WALL-E—which, yes, might just be the best movie ever. For serious:

The new Pixar picture Wall-E is one for the ages, a masterpiece to be savored before or after the end of the world -- assuming, like the title character, you’re still around when all the humans have taken off and have access to an old video player.—David Edelstein, New York Magazine

...[a] loud and damning indictment of consumerism.—Chris Barsanti, PopMatters

Triumphant and teary-eyed, WALL-E withstands its mellifluous moments with a welcomed surge of honesty, impishness and introspection...smart, heart-warming and savvy in its observational radar.—Frank Ochieng, Movie Eye

(All of these reviews are much more articulate than mine, which consisted mainly of snuffling and not being able to open my mouth for fear that I'd burst into tears. Meanwhile, I was thinking They rediscovered art! THEY REDISCOVERED ART! It really is a near-flawless film. Go see it right now. Seriously.)

And the 'Zette runs yet another insightful hed:

And here's a picture of an adorable space robot:

First Two-Face footage!

Here is the first, viral footage of Aaron Eckhart as Two-Face in The Dark Knight. It seems that, like every other Chris Nolan Batman villain, they're going for absolutely terrifying realism, rather than, say Tommy Lee Jones with leopard print and a rubber mask.

Also, this made its way around a while ago, but below is concept art for the Dark Knight's Two-Face, which makes me crap my pants in terror. And delight!

I won't lie to you guys—I am pretty freaking excited for this movie.

Solution to the high gas price blues?

Gas in Peru costs a little over $4/gallon, and guys in little tuk-tuks like this one will take you the functional equivalent of from Mountain Mama to your stylish downtown loft for 40 cents. Hmm....

I know the new DASH vans on 2-way Tejon will drive you up and down drunk alley all day for free, and have great paint jobs and all, but really, where's my tuk-tuk?

DNC Protesters to Shit Pants

From National Journal Online:

This Story Is Pure Crap

Thu. Jun 12, 2008

Already facing legal woes over their parade route and protest site, demonstrators at the Dem convo now have to worry about the "crap cannon."

"Re-create 68" co-founder/activist Mark Cohen said the "brown note" -- "believed to be an infrasound frequency that debilitates a person by making them defecate involuntarily" -- could be deployed against protesters during the Aug. convo. Cohen "cited eyewitness accounts of its use during free-trade agreement protests in Miami" in '03. "I think these weapons were mostly intended for military use and so their use for dealing with innocent protesters seems highly inappropriate."

Acoustician Dr. Roger Schwenke says there is "no scientific evidence that proves such frequencies cause involuntary defecation," although some test subjects exposed to low frequencies in his experiments "reported 'abdominal discomfort, which was easily alleviated by moving a moderate distance away from the source.'" Schwenke: "We tested a variety of low frequencies and no involuntary gastro-intestinal motility was caused." Re-create 68's Glenn Spagnuolo: "Whether it causes someone to defecate in their pants or not, I don't know that. What I do know is that it causes a person to be disoriented and lose their equilibrium resulting in a nauseous feeling in their stomach."

Spagnuolo also described the "Active Denial System" -- a "ray gun used to send high levels of microwave frequencies that cause a burning sensation [in] the skin" -- and said he "believes that Raytheon, the company that manufactures the weapon, is planning to test a limited-range civilian version on protesters in Denver before approving its use in places like Iraq." The city has not released details of what was purchased with $18M of a $50M federal security grant for the convo. Denver spokesperson Sue Cobb: "Commenting on specific security preparations is not helpful to ensuring their effectiveness" (Corbin, FOXNews.com, 6/10).

What's wrong with this lede?

From a 'Zette story about the attack of the killer salmonella tomatoes. What's the problem with this lede?

If you guessed it was pairing "favorite restaurant" and "Macaroni Grill," you're correct!

Speaking of food, has anybody visited the new Marion House kitchen? It opened on Sunday to little aplomb, but I haven't yet been by.

A call for impeachment!

Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio, is on the floor of the House reading 35 Articles of Impeachment against President George W. Bush. Watch it live on C-SPAN right now!

Yay!

Not only is the Dem primary over and that foul, duplicitous harpy defeated, butthe winner made his announcement in my home state.

I'm pleased as punch. I'm also very happy with what we'll be giving you guys on Friday for the print edition—it's shaping up to be a great sex issue, and very different from what we did last year. You'll excuse my light blogging till we get this thing out. (Hey, stable of other bloggers! Feel like stepping in?)

Till regular, annoyingly frequent, blogging returns, please enjoy this video that made its way around the internets today of a spelling bee contestant who thinks he's being given the word "numbnuts."

Zwack J.es TSAL Budapest.

My Second Life mate, Balder Laasonen, stocks Zwack in our
store in Neufreistadt.  He laughed when I read Aaron's
description of its taste, so he mustn't be too far off.

So glad it's our official libation!

Let's talk Zwack.

At Newspeak's perennial bar of choice, McCabe's, they've got a huge street marquee advertising Zwack. What is Zwack, you ask? Zwack is one of many liquors made and distributed by a Hungarian company called Zwack. It is an herbal liqueur clearly meant to capitalize on and steal some of the Jägermeister demographic. It is without a doubt the worst-smelling liquor in the whole world, falling in at somewhere between an abandoned crude distillery packed with months-old human corpses and the results of a nail polish-remover enema. (Its taste, I should add, is much less offensive, sort of Ricola-ish, if Ricolas were filled with syrupy grain alcohol.)

Anyway, I've decided that I'm going to help the good people at Zwack out by fostering among its products a sense of mysterious cool, rather than, shall we say, creepy Iron Curtain alcoholism. I think Hungary will be the next touchstone for all things hip and Continental. Vowels will go out of style! Clothing brands will surface called Budapest Nights and Szexuális Élet! Magyar bars will become the rage! And it'll all be because of Zwack.

So, here you go:

Zwack is now the official liquor of Newspeak.

I urge you to visit their website and find out more about this great company and their fantastic products. Zwack makes, by the way, a traditional Hungarian brandy called Barack, which they should totally capitalize on: "BARACK BY ZWACK. ROCK THE VOTE WITH BARACK. BY ZWACK."

(The real reason that I like Zwack so much is because it's fun to say: "Zvaaaahk.")