NEWSPEAK Blog

The Montauk monster. Derr.

You have no doubt heard about the crazy Monster From Beyond that washed up in the Hamptons. Gawker broke the story on Monday and Animal Planet's Jeff Corwin even appeared on Fox News to douche it up for the cameras. Here's the skewwy monster:

Now, people have been flipping the eff out over this thing, because it sort of resembles Tokka from Secret of the Ooze.

There's a much-touted "government animal testing facility" near Montauk, which apparently is manufacturing evil beaked creatures for export to terrorist nations, according to conspiritards.

On the other end are the cynics, who wave this off as just another viral marketing ploy for some movie.

But, derr, kids. It's no monster, and it's no Photoshop job. It's a raccoon. Look:

(Click the image to enlarge.)

The "beak" you're seeing are the maxillae and nasal bones, with the maxillary premolars, canines and incisors missing. The whiteness of the "beak" in relation to the rest of the skull is probably due to marine scavengers eating its face.

So where's its fur? Well, fur can decompose at different rates from the rest of the soft tissue, depending on where the animal died and decomposed. (I can see this happening if it were tossed into the water in a plastic bag, for instance.) Or, derr, it could've been skinned. Look at the original picture again. Notice how the neck looks unusually skinny for a raccoon? That's because procyonids like the raccoon, along with mustelids, felines and canids (and most carnivorous mammals) have a large deposit of subdermal cervical fat. You take the skin away, that goes with it.

Other things: look at the placement and orientation of the ears and eyes. Look at the articulation of the digits on the paws and the limbs. Look at the way the femur sits on the ilium, making that raccoonish haunch. Look at the scale (that black speck thing on its back is a fly). It's a raccoon—one who had its face gnawed off, which is more awesome than a monster.

Squirrels attack America, again

Two coordinated squirrels in the Great Lakes area succeeded in taking the power out for about 1,400 customers for almost an hour.

FTFA:

The utility takes many preventive steps to keep the curious animals away from lines, he said, but they are one of the leading causes of outages, trailing only severe weather.

"We kind of liken it to anyone who's had a bird feeder and tried to keep the squirrels out," he said. "They find a way."

One of my favorite comments on SFGate:

The story says "by coincidence" the other squirrel embarked on its suicide mission, but believe me, these furry critters are in cahoots. At my place, squirrels work it out with the blue jays exactly WHO gets the nuts at what time of day. Mess with them, and you're messing with a puddle of piddle with an attitude.

Thank you, Associated Press.

Squirrels Unearth Ancient Artifact in California

Folks at the Maidu Indian Interpretive Center are trying to preserve what the squirrels unearthed. The center allows people to learn how Native Americans lived thousands of years ago. And it was here that the squirrels made their find in what could be called an ancient compost pile.

"We only find what the squirrels are giving us right now," said Park Specialist Chuck Kritzon.

From our friends at CBS13.com. Full story here.

Squirrel attacks two parents, student in California

From SFGate.com:

An 11-year-old student and two parents at a San Jose elementary school got a scare this morning when a squirrel ran into the building and attacked them, drawing blood in two cases, school officials said.

"They were trying to get it off and another parent was trying to assist in getting it off," said district spokesman Will Ector. "In the process, both were bitten. One was nipped on the fingertip and scratched on the arm, and the other parent was bitten on the arm."

Denver Squirrels Dying Off From the Plague

I hate to cite the Gazette, but apparently 5 squirrels and a rabbit have died in Denver within the past week. In true GT panic-inducing fashion, instead if telling us more about the story they proceed to give us the history of the plague, along with these helpful tips:

AVOIDING THE PLAGUE

To protect yourself from plague, health officials recommend:
- Don’t handle dead rodents, and report animal die-offs to the El Paso County Department of Health and Environment at 575-8635.
- Keep cats indoors. Cats, more than dogs, are highly susceptible to plague.
- Treat pets for fleas.
- Clear property of lumber piles and trash bins, where rodents often live or hide.
- Take down feeders that might attract squirrels.

"We are not issuing a squirrel alert"

Barb Dougherty, an Oil City, PA postal carrier, was attacked by a vicious squirrel while on her route.

"It was a freak thing. It was traumatic," Dougherty told The Derrick in Oil City. "I saw it there on the porch, put the mail in the box and turned to walk away and it jumped on me."

Dougherty was taken to the hospital where she was treated for cuts and scratches, not to mention the first in a lengthy series of rabies shots. The squirrel was killed with a BB gun. Now we'll never know the true motive. Sad.

Full story courtesy of the World News Leader, Yahoo.

Squirrels Hate America

Courtesy of AP:

Cemetery's Flags Found in Squirrel Nest

Wisconsin Cemetery Groundskeeper Finds Flags Missing From Graves in Squirrel Nest

EAU CLAIRE, Wis. Sep 7, 2006 (AP) Groundskeepers at Forest Hill Cemetery thought it was kids who were stealing dozens of American flags. That is, until one found a giant squirrel's nest.

"I was mowing, looked up out into the distance, and something caught my eye," said Dave Ender, a groundskeeper employed by the Eau Claire Parks and Recreation Department.

He drove his riding lawnmower to a nearby street intersection and looked up a tree.

"Low and behold, I found the missing flags," Ender said.

They were ripped and serving as the foundation of a giant squirrel nest.

"I never seen anything like that before," he said.

No one at the cemetery had ever seen a squirrel with a flag in its mouth, either.

"They must have done it at night, or very early in the morning," Ender said.

"Those little rascals, they're just amazing," he said.

Oslo Jargo Reviews Squirrel Exhaust Fan

We've all missed Oslo (now going by his full name Oslek) from the print edition of the Toilet Paper, but now he's back! And reviewing a squirrel product nonetheless! For some reason the 465 CFM Squirrel Cage Exhaust Fan is in Kitchen and Housewares. Hmmm....

Squirrel Cage Exhaust Fan Works Well in Bliss or Miss

Reviewer:

Oslek Jargo "Tempt me Devil!" (FINLAND)

The Squirrel Cage Exhaust Fan is a wonder to farmers who own large amounts of chickens and who need a remedy for the stale, tepid, bad breath found in their beaks. When grouped in the thousands, it can pose a severe health risk, as the methane is a type of poisonous gas which causes headaches, incurable warts and sore feet. The Exhaust Fan is placed near a window and plugged in, in time, it ushers the malodorous air out into the atmosphere. Can also be used in Pork Processing Pigatories, in Alligator egg nesting chambers or as a Squirrel projectile unit which launches squirrels into the air at oncoming car traffic. Comes with a "Digestive System of Worms" book and a years supply of cavity prevention gel for tortoises.

For full product description go here. Welcome back, Oslek! We've missed you!
 

Squirrel goes out with a bang, inconveniences many

From the Centre Daily Times:

About 60 guests at America's Best Inn were evacuated Sunday morning after a squirrel electrocuted itself on a nearby utility pole, causing a power surge and then power outage in the building.

Squirrel leads to hotel evacuation

Mystery Item on eBay

I stumbled across this accidentally when searching Google image for "squirrel sex." Don't ask. It seems that this was an item that was previously sold on eBay. Any theories as to what it might be? Or where I can get one?

EXTRA CREDIT: Replace "girl" with "squirrel" in the previous post. Actually, no. Don't do that.